The Rookies
by TheGuyWhoWroteAStory
Summary: What would you do if you suddenly appeared in your favorite show without an explanation? What would you do if you had to deal with a jerk, a pervert and an idiot every single day? Maybe it's not so bad, at least you're not dealing with a sociopath, a know-it-all, a couch potato, and a walking innuendo. But maybe someone else is... and maybe they're in the same situation as you.
1. Pilot

**Chapter 1: Pilot**

A sudden jolt woke me from my sleep, I wearily opened my eyes and yawned as my body began to wake up, I looked around at my surroundings but I could barely see anything past the unusual fogginess in my vision. As I went to rub my eyes I noticed that I had slept sitting up, which was odd I thought but I quickly shrugged it off, I had woken up in weirder positions before. But what was even more strange however was that as I began to move my hand towards my eyes I noticed that I was wearing black kevlar gloves that I didn't even remember putting on. But what _really_ made me question my own sanity was that when my vision cleared I noticed that I was not in the comfy bedroom I had grown accustomed to but instead I was in some sort of plane.

I was sitting on the right side of the plane, rows of dull brown seats streched across the dull brown wall at either side of me towards a doorway leading to what I assumed was the cockpit. The left side of the plane wasn't much different, except for the absence of a door leading to the cockpit and a blue soldier sitting directly across from me. He was wearing some kind of armor, like the one Master Chief ususally wears except blue, come to think of it he kinda looked like...

"Hello!" said Caboose in his usual ecstatic tone.

My jaw nearly hit the floor as I realised what was going on. I went to pick my ear, to make sure I wasn't hearing things, but instead of my ear my finger hit something hard. That was when I noticed I was wearing a helmet. I damn near tore the thing off my head and stared at it in shock, it was the same helmet Caboose was wearing except this one was colored light green. As I stared at the helmet in my hands in horror I heard Cabooose speak again.

"Oh don't worry about it, I ususally tear off my helmet when I'm nervous too, it helps me breath. But there's no reason to be nervous, I'm sure our new teammates will love us! Oh! I know! We can start a best friend club with them when we touch down! Oh, I'm sure they'll be so happy!"

Yep, that was Caboose alright, but if that really was Caboose and we really were on a plane and if these "new teammates" were the ones I was expecting them to be...

I turn my head to doorway leading to the cockpit, "Hey! Where are we landing again?!" I yelled over the whir of the plane engine at the pilot.

"What?! Don't tell me you forgot too! God, all you sim troopers are so damn annoying! Uhm I mean... were landing at Blood Gultch Outpost Alpha!" yelled the pilot.

 _Shit._

"Um yeah, don't worry, I'll _totally_ remember this time mister pilot man! But just so I can remember it _more_ uh can you reapeat yourself one more time... pretty please?" said Caboose.

I stifled a laugh, _god damn it Caboose even when I'm scared out of my mind you still find some way to make me laugh._

The pilot ignored Caboose and spoke over the intercom.

"Brace yourselves boys, were coming down!"

I jolted forward in my seat as the plane jerked violently. The plane shook the entire time we descended, it felt like being in an elavator during an earthquake. I swallowed hard, doing my best to keep my lunch down, whatever my lunch had been. Suddenly the plane stopped shaking as we smoothly landed on the surface of the... planet? Or was it a ring?

"Alrighty boys this is your captain speaking, feel free to leave the plane as soon as possible, make sure you don't forget any of your possesions or they _will_ be jettisoned into space, have a horrible day assholes," the pilot said crossly.

The door of the pelican slowly opened outward until in hit the soft dirt beneath it, outside I could see what was unmistakably Blood Gultch. I suddenly felt another wave of nausea hit me as I realised exactly what sort of predicament I was in. I must have sat there in silence for what must been at least 5 minutes, staring out at the landscape in front of me before I heard the pilot roar over the intercom again.

"Hey come on! Get off! I'm running a tight shift and I still gotta eject the tank! So move it or lose it!" the pilot shouted, annoyed.

 _Asshole._ I shoke my head, snapping myself out of my trance then slowly got up from the seat, clutching my aching stomach. I noticed Caboose had been sitting there as well this whole time, watching me. I looked at him in confusion.

"I was waiting for you," said Caboose before I could ask what he was doing, "we can't start our new best friend club without all of the members!" said Caboose enthusiastically.

I smiled lightly and picked up the rifle that was on the seat behind me, placing it on my back. I took small steps as I descended down the ramp, still fighting not to empty my stomach. Caboose followed at my side, mimicing the small steps I was making as if we were playing some kind of game. As soon as me and Caboose stepped off the ramp, the plane took off behind us, flew a few feet, dropped the tank that had been attached to the bottom of it in front of blue base, and took off towards the sky, quickly dissapearing from view. Two other soldiers, one cobalt, the other teal, stepped out of the base and walked towards the tank, admiring it.

 _Welp, here we go,_ I thought as me and Caboose began to walk toward who I already knew were Church and Tucker.

Hopefully they weren't _huge_ assholes.


	2. Yates

**Chapter 2: Yates**

Simmons frowned behind his helmet, "Hey, that's not exactly what happened," he said indignantly.

Grif scoffed, "Yes it is! You said 'I'm not going to the Vegas quadrant!' and then the next thing I know you're in an escape pod headed for-"

"Excuse me, sirs?" spoke a slightly apprehensive voice, interrupting Grif.

"Sirs?" said Grif in confusion as he turned to look at who had interrupted him. In front of him stood a red soldier, Grif quickly realised who it was.

"Ah crap," groaned Grif.

Just a few days ago Sarge had called Grif and Simmons down from the top of the base to tell them about the Worthog or puma or chupathingy or whatever it was called now. Sarge had also said something about how the Warthog was the first part of a shipment from command and that two new rookies would arrive at red base within the week while he was away at command getting orders. Then they argued about confetti or something, Grif had stopped listening after that.

"We were told to report to Blood Gultch Outpost Number One and speak to whoever's in charge," said the red soldier.

"Sorry man, Sarge is at command getting orders ain't nobody in charge today," said Grif.

Grif stopped and looked around for the second recruit for a while. Eventually his eyes landed on a beige colored soldier, standing timidly halfway up the ramp. Grif chuckled, _these rookies are always so nervous._

"Hey you! On the ramp! Come on up! We don't bite, I promise!" said Grif, holding back a laugh.

"Yeah we don't bite, you know, unless you're made out of snack cakes! In which case keep your distance around Grif!" Simmons said before getting slugged in the arm by Grif.

The beige soldier slowly ascended up the ramp without saying a word and took his place next to the red soldier.

"'Bout time, anyway where were we?" asked Grif to no one in particular.

"We were at the part where you forgot that Sarge put me in charge while he was gone," said Simmons proudly.

Grif scoffed again, "You are _such_ a kissass."

"Also, he told me if I had any trouble from you I should..." Simmons cleared his throat, "'get in the Warthog and crush your head like a tomato can,'" Simmons said in his best Sarge impression.

The four stood in awkward silence for a good second before Grif spoke up, "that's the _worst_ impression I've ever heard," said Grif in an aggrivated tone.

Simmons rolled his eyes and turned to the red soldier, "Okay rookie what's your story?" asked Simmons.

"Private Donut reporting for duty sir! I'm ready to fight some aliens!" replied Donut valiantly.

"Couple of things here rookie, first off, 'Private Donut'? I think somebody needs a new nickname, secondly, what's with the armor color?" ranted Grif.

"This _is_ the standard issue red," said Donut.

"Yeah I know, listen, only two kinds of people wear standard issue armor, officers and recruits, and since your not threatening to gut me like a fish, your _probably_ not an officer," continued Grif.

"The other rookie here isn't wearing red armor, how did command give _you_ the wrong color but not your friend?" wondered Simmons.

"Wait, aren't you wearing red armor?" asked Donut, confused.

"No _my_ armor is maroon _your_ armor is red," corrected Simmons.

"Well how I get a different color armor?" asked Donut.

"Alright, alright, while I would _love_ to keep this going, let's shift our attention to the rookie who wore the _right_ armor today, I'm sure he's just _dying_ to get in on this conversation," said Grif sarcastically.

The beige soldier had been looking at his suroundings the entire time the the other three talked, not _admiring_ the scenery, but staring at it in a confused manner. Grif thought that was a bit odd, but then again they _did_ just get a recuit named Donut. _Oh god if this guys name is Private Marshmellow or something I'm not going to be able to stop myself from gorging down a bunch of pastries everytime I hear their names._

"Alright rookie, tell us about yourself," said Grif, trying in vain to sound interested.

But the rookie didn't seem to hear him, instead he just kept staring at his surroundings.

Slightly annoyed at having been ignored Grif yelled "Hey rookie!"

The rookie jumped slightly at Grif's raised voice and turned to look at him, the rookie stammered for a little bit before begging to talk.

"Uh, uh... h-hi, m-m-my name is uh... Private... Yates...?" spoke a very feminine voice behind the beige helmet.

Grif and Simmons froze, shocked. Yates looked at them then murmured "Crap..."

Yates barried her hands in her helmet, embarassed. The four stood at the top of the base in awkward silence once again... before Grif began to laugh.

"Alright! We got a girl on our team!" Grif celebrated.

Simmons just stood there, frozen, staring at Yates. Yates burried her helmet further into her hands. Grif pumped his fist in the air. Donut just stood there, looking at the three of them, extremely confused.

"I bet the blues don't have a girl on _their_ team! You know, I knew today was gonna be a good day, right from the morning when I ate that fudge covered brownie for breakfast, I _knew_ today was gonna be a good day!" Grif ran up to the edge of the base.

"You hear that blues?! We got a girl on our team!" yelled Grif out towards blue base, his yell echoed throughout the canyon.


	3. Out

**Chapter 3: Out**

I leaned up against the side of the base, my stomach still hurting like a bitch, watching the scene unfold before me, just like it did on the show.

"So I say to the guy," Caboose continued, "how are gonna get the tank down to the planet? And he goes 'I'll just put in the ship,' and I go if you've got a ship that can carry a tank why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?"

It was clear Church and Tuker had no interest in Caboose's conversation, the only time one of them gave him any attention was when Tucker turned to him and said, "Hey kid, you're ruining the moment, shut up."

I clenched my teeth in anger, I had forgoten how mean these guys were to Caboose at first.

"Oh... okay! You got it man!" said a slightly dissapointed Caboose.

"You know what? I could blow up the whole god damn world with this thing," murmured Church in awe at the tank.

 _Yeah, if you could drive it... asshole._

 _ **/**_

"Yeah! Woohoo!" cheered Grif, still celebrating.

"I don't get it, why is having a girl on the team such a big deal again?" asked Donut in a confused manner.

Grif turned to look a Donut, "Uh dude, have you not been listening? We have one girl on the team and the blues have none, that means we win!"

"Win what?" Donut asked.

"Uh... I don't know... the war... or something..." stammered Grif, his excitement beginning to die down.

"Also, weren't we supposed to be fighting aliens? That's the whole reason I signed up in the first place, I wanted to get in on the action," Donut said.

"Nope, sorry dude no aliens here but... oh! B-but we _do_ have a special mission for you, right Simmons?" Grif said before nudging Simmons in the ribs, doing his best to sound convincing.

Simmons didn't respond or even move, he just stood there, frozen in place.

"Uh... Simmons? Are you okay?" asked Grif with growing concern.

Simmons still didn't repsond.

"Uh... anyway, we need to run down the store and pick up some elbow grease and uh... headlight fluid for the puma," Grif said, half focused on Simmons.

"The puma?" asked Donut in confusion.

Simmons didn't even speak up to correct Grif.

"Yeah, the car, although I _guess_ the official name is 'Warthog' or something," Grif scoffed, "anyway do you think you can handle it rookie?"

"Um... sure? Where is the store by the way?" asked Donut.

"Come on rookie, you _gotta_ know where the store is, didn't you see it when you were coming in?" Grif asked.

"Uh... oh _right_ you mean the _store,_ um _..._ yeah I know where that is!" replied Donut. He stood up straight and attempting to sound bold said, "Don't you worry sir! I'll get that elbow grease and headlight fluid in no time!"

Donut turned to walk toward the left ramp.

"Other way," said Grif, trying to hold back laughter.

"I knew that just got turned around thats all..." said Donut as he started for the other ramp.

"Wait!" yelled Yates suddenly.

Grif and Donut jumped, surprised at Yates' sudden outburst, they turned to look at her. Yates paused and realised her mistake, Yates swore under her breath then looked up at Donut.

"Uh... can you get some wiper juice too... uh... for the puma...?" asked Yates hesitatantly.

"Um... sure! No problem!" Donut took off down the ramp and into the canyon.

Once he was out of ear distance, Grif chuckled, "'Wiper juice', good one."

Yates sighed, "Thanks..." she mumbled.

Grif walked over the edge of the base, watching as Donut walked deep into the canyon.

"Hey Simmons, $20 says he wont figure theres no store for at least a week," said Grif.

But Simmons wasn't even looking at Grif, or anyone, he was just staring off into space, like he was in some sort of trance.

"Uh... hey rookie?" Grif asked, still staring at Simmons.

"Y-yeah?" answered Yates.

"Why don't you uh... go in the base or something... I need to talk to Simmons," said Grif.

"Oh... um... sure," Yates said before descending down the ramp.

Grif checked behind him to make sure Yates was gone then turned back to Simmons, "Okay dude _not_ cool, when you said we were going to make the rookies do some stupid shit, I didn't realise _I_ was gonna have to be the one to talk while you stared off into space like a fucking retard, you know how bad I am at convincing people!" Grif exclaimed.

Simmons continued to ignore Grif.

Grif clenched his teeth, "Hey! Earth to Simmons! What the hell has gotten into you?!" Grif yelled angrily.

Simmons looked around to make sure no one was listening, then slowly turned to look at Grif.

"There's a girl on the team," whispered Simmons.

"Yeah and?," asked Grif.

Simmons frowned and looked around one more time, "there's a _girl_ on the team," Simmons whispered.

"What?" Grif asked, confused, before slowly beginning to realise what Simmons meant.

"Aw shit," whispered Grif.

 _ **/**_

"You know what? Forget what I said before, we could _totally_ pick up chicks in this thing, probably two or three chicks a piece," Tucker said confidantly.

I sighed, _yeah, if there_ were _any chicks in this canyon._

Church chuckled, "Aw man, listen to you! What are you gonna do with two chicks?"

"Church women are like Voltron, the more you can hook up, the better it gets," Tucker said.

I stopped myself from breaking into laughter but almost threw up in the process, suffice to say it was not fun. I couldn't help but let out a moan as I slowly slid down the wall of blue base slowly, clutching my stomach. The others turned to look at me.

Church looked over to Caboose, "Um, is he okay? He's not... like... injured is he?"

"What? Oh no he's _fine._ He was like that all the way here, you know except for the parts where he was passed out," Caboose said.

"Wait, he was passed out? For how long?" Tucker said with growing concern.

"Uh.. what time did we get here?" Caboose asked.

"Eight a.m," answered Church.

"17 hours," replied Caboose.

"Well that's encouraging," Church sighed before walking over to me.

"Hey! Your not hurt right? Cause if you are I'm going to be _very_ pissed off with Command," Church said.

"I'm fine," I groaned, "just not good with flying," I slowly picked myself up.

Church scoffed "Yeah, clearly," Church turned to Caboose "Make yourself useful and help him inside the base."

"Yes sir, mister Church!" Caboose saluted Church then ran over to me, putting my arm around his shoulder and leading me into the base.

"Thanks," I sighed in between heavy breaths.

"That's what friends are for!" Caboose said jovially.

"Hey and if you die don't expect us to bury you!" Church yelled.

But I didn't care, I may as well have been dead at that point. I started to feel lightheaded as Caboose led me into the base and onto a bunk which I assumed has been saved for the rookies. The last thing I heard before I completely passed out was Tucker saying, "Man, our new recruits are _weird._ "


	4. Nightmare

**Chapter 4: Nightmare**

Darkness surrounded me.

I wanted it to be a dream... I wanted it so _bad_ to be just another nightmare that I could wake up from. I began fantasizing myself waking up in my soft and cushy bed, sighing in relief at being free of this horrible nightmare. I would get up, go into the kitchen, grab a cup of coffee and just relax knowing that-

"ROOKIE! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! YOUR DRIVING ME CRAZY! GET IN THERE!" Church yelled from outside, but by how loud he was yelling it sounded like he was right next to me.

I winced from the noise, and grunted in annoyance; I sat up and got off the bunk.

My stomach still felt like shit, but not as much as before, my _head_ however... let's just say I would've had less of a headache if I had gotten rammed by a semi on a highway. _Bow chicka bow wow._ I groaned as I rubbed my temples in a futile attempt to make the headache stop.

I decided to try and find some aspirin, but I was still unfamiliar with the base. _Fuck it_ I decided as I began to wander around the base. After a little bit I came across the flag room, still asprin-less. I noticed Caboose standing by the flag, apparently I had missed the "Church's girlfriend" scene, but I didn't really mind.

Caboose was looking down at his pistol, fiddling with it in a attempt to keep himself entertained. I entered the room and knocked on the wall beside me to grab his attention.

"Knock knock" I said as I entered.

Caboose looked up from his gun and at me, "Who's there?" he asked.

"What? Um... no one... never mind..." I sighed, my headache was starting to get worse.

Caboose cocked his head in confusion, "I don't get it," he said.

I decided to change the subject.

"So... uh... what are you doing in here?" I asked, even though I already knew.

"Mister Church told me to guard this flag until the general comes because I called his girlfriend a slut," Caboose said casually.

"Oh... um... sorry to hear that," I stammered, not knowing exactly how to reply.

"It's fine. We may have gotten off on the wrong foot, but I'm sure we'll all get to be great friends!" Caboose said, still enthusiastic as ever.

"Yeah... I'm sure that'll happen," I sighed, _maybe in your dreams_.

I heard footsteps coming from the hallway behind me. I turned to look at the doorway and saw a red soldier step out from the hall. _Hi Donut._

"Wow! You got here fast!" said Caboose in an almost startled tone.

"Why is everyone so freakin' rude in this canyon?" complained Donut.

"I'm not sir! What can I do for ya?" said Caboose with growing enthusiasm. I almost felt bad about him being tricked like this, then again, Donut was _also_ being tricked.

"Finally! Someone with a little respect around here!" Donut said.

"Yes, sir!" Caboose exclaimed, his eagerness at its peak.

"I assume your hear because of this." Caboose said, proudly showing off the blue colored flag beside him.

"Wait. Is this all you have?" Donut asked.

"Uh... yes sir!" Caboose said, a hint of worry in his voice.

"Aw man, this figures... shit..." Donut mumbled.

Caboose looked at me in confusion.

"What about elbow grease?" asked Donut.

"Um..." Caboose looked down.

"Headlight fluid? Wiper juice?" Donut asked.

 _Wait. Wiper juice? I don't remember that in the original episode._

"Nope. All we have is the flag," Caboose said.

"Well, I can't go back empty handed. I guess I'll take that." Donut said, gesturing to the flag.

"Sure! That makes sense! I guess..." Caboose said, though he didn't sound too convinced.

"Man, they're going to give me so much shit for coming back with just this stupid flag," Donut said as he walked out of the base, flag in tow.

Caboose and me stood in awkward silence for a few seconds before Caboose said, "Welp! I better go tell Mr. Church the general came here!" Caboose began to walk out of the room.

"Wait...!" I yelled.

"What?" Caboose asked as he turned around.

"Uh... let's go tell him _together_ so that he'll appreciate both our... efforts..." I sighed, I hoped Church would go easier on him if I took the blame too.

"Great idea! Common, let's go!" said Caboose as he took off down the hall, I trailed behind him, my head still hurting.

"Holy crap! Who is running this army?!" I heard Church exclaim from outside.

We reached the exit to blue base and Caboose yelled "Hey! I- _we,_ just wanted to let you know that the general stopped by and picked up the flag!"

 _Oh boy, here we go._

"Yeah, okay! Whatever morons!" Church yelled back.

Caboose turned back to me and said, "I bet he's _really_ proud of us!"

"Yup, I bet he's just... so proud..." I sighed, I knew the real nightmare was just starting.

"Why would they give us a tank of nobody here knows how to drive the damn thing? Wait a second... what did he just say?"


	5. Headache

**Chapter 5: Headache**

Church and Tucker stood at the edge of the base watching the canyon carefully for any sign of a red soldier carrying a blue flag, a hard sight to miss. Me and Caboose stood behind them; I could tell just by standing next to the guy that Caboose was starting to get more worried by the second. _Poor Caboose, it wasn't his fault that Church and Tucker were assholes, all he ever wanted to do was to make friends._

"So let me get this straight, you gave this guy our flag?" Church asked as he turned around to face us. _Because you told him to, asshole._ I could feel anger boiling up inside me, and on top of that my headache was starting to get worse too.

"I-is that bad?" Caboose asked timidly.

"Bad? Oh no that's not _bad_ , next time he comes over, why don't you just let him blow up the whole goddamn base?" Church said sarcastically.

"Hey I have a better idea, how about next time he comes over, _you don't_ let him into the base in the first place. Sound like a good plan?" I blurted.

"Excuse me?" Church turned to me.

"Um guys?" Tucker said, trying to grab our attention.

"Are you trying to say this is _my_ fault?" Church asked accusingly, "hey rookie, I have an even _better_ idea, how about next time he comes over, you don't give him our goddamn flag!" Church yelled angrily.

"Guys, I think you should see this," I heard Tucker say. But I didn't listen, to me the only thing that mattered in that moment was winning that argument... I'll be the first to admit I wasn't thinking too clearly.

" _Or_ , and here's a good one, _before_ he comes over next time, you don't be such a fucking asshole!" I yelled back.

Church clenched his fist, for a second I thought he was going to throw a punch, but before he could do anything Tucker yelled, "Hey! Are you guys forgetting that there's a red with our flag out in the canyon?!"

Church looked at Tucker, then back to me. He eyed me for a bit before silently walking over to the edge of the base again and picking up a sniper rifle that was on the ground next to him, he looked through the scope towards the canyon.

Church sighed, "All right where did you see 'im?" Church asked.

"Damn dude, I almost confused you guys for my grandparents a minute there..." Tucker said.

"Oh, just shut the fuck up and tell me where he is," Church said angrily.

Church and Tucker continued to talk while I made my way over to one of those walls that stuck out from the top of the base, ( _I always wondered what these things were for_ ) I propped my back onto it and sighed. _Good going dumbass, you've barely been here an hour and already you've made enemies with Church._ I winced as the pain in my head suddenly got worse. I felt a tap on my shoulder and I turned to see Caboose looking at me, he gestured me to get closer so I leaned in.

Caboose looked back at Church and Tucker for a moment then back to me and whispered "I don't think Church is very happy."

I sighed, "No Caboose, I don't think he's happy either," I said as I turned my attention back to Tucker and Church.

"Well let's take him out then," Tucker said.

"Roger that," Church said in a confident tone.

But before he shot he turned around, looked at me and said, "Hey rookie, watch and learn, this is what happens to people that piss me off."

"Oh, I'll be watching all right," I said with a smirk, already knowing what would happen.

Church turned back around and aimed at Donut, "Okay, say goodnight Sarge," Church said.

Bang. Miss. Bang. Miss. Bang. Miss. Bang. Miss.

"Aw, crap," Church said, his overconfidence dying down.

"You were saying?" I asked.

"Your really not very good with that thing, are you?" asked Tucker.

"Hey! It's me! Don't shoot! I'm the guy that bought the flag, remember?!" Donut yelled towards blue base while waving the flag around.

"Oh great, now he's taunting us. That's just embarrassing," Tucker said.

Church threw his sniper rifle down in anger and grabbed an assault rifle off the ground next to him, "Alright, that's it! I've had it!" Church yelled, he turned around and looked back at us.

"Rookies, you stay here! Me and Tucker, we'll head through the teleporter, we'll cut him off at the pass!" Church commanded as he ran towards the teleporter.

"Right!" Caboose exclaimed.

"Tucker, you ready? Let's go!" Church ordered.

"There is no way I'm going through that thing," Tucker rebuffed.

"Tucker, we don't have time for this! Why would they give us a teleporter if it doesn't work?" Church asked, annoyed.

"I don't know, why would they give a tank that no one can drive?" Tucker replied.

 _Good point._

I twitched, it felt like something bit me in the back of the head, I rubbed the back of my helmet but there was nothing there. Whatever it was it did _not_ help my headache.

"We, already tested the teleporter, remember?"

"We threw rocks through it!"

"Yeah, and? The rocks came out the other side didn't they?"

"Yeah, but they were all hot and covered with black stuff."

"Oh, so I guess that's what this is all about then? You're afraid of a little black stuff?"

"Yes, I am! I am afraid of black stuff."

 _That's racist. Well, then again Tucker is black so..._

Church raised his assault rifle towards Tucker's face, "Tucker, I _almost_ hate to do this to you."

"You wouldn't."

"Y'know I look at it this way. Either A, we go in the teleporter and get the flag back; or B, we stay here, and I get to kill you. Either way, I win."

 _I said before and I'll say it again. Ass. Hole._

"For the record, I want you to know, rocks aren't people."

"Duly noted. Now get in there," Church said, gesturing to the teleporter.

" _Crap,_ " Tucker exclaimed as he got into position in front of the teleporter.

"Alright. One... Two..." Tucker ran into the teleporter, disappearing from sight.

Church ran to side of the base and looked towards the exit of the teleporter, Caboose and I did the same. We waited for any sign of Tucker, hanging on every second.

 _One._ No Tucker. _Two._ No Tucker...

 _Five_. Aaaaand...

"Huh. He didn't come out the other side..." Caboose said finally.

"Yeaaah, I've uh... I've decided I'm _not_ gonna use the teleporter," Church said.

"First good choice you've made since I got here," I said.

Church eyed me for a bit, "Okay, new plan! Blue rookie, you stay here. Green, you're with me. We'll get the flag back and bring it back here," Church said as he hopped off the side off the base.

"Wait, me?" I asked, startled.

"Um yeah, unless there's another green rookie I don't know about," Church said sarcastically.

"But why _me_?" I asked.

Church groaned, "Because two is better than one dumbass, god I'm surrounded by idiots," Church said.

I frowned, "That's not what I mea-" I started before Church interrupted me.

"No wait let me guess, you wanna take another nap 'cus you didn't get enough beauty sleep back in the base?" Church mocked.

I put on a fake smile, "Actually, what I was _gonna_ say was I think Caboose should go with me," I hopped off the base, "you'll just slow me down after all," I took off into Blood Gulch, towards the exit to the teleporter.

I was lying, of course, in all honesty _I_ would probably be the one to slow _him_ down, what with my head and all, I just wanted to see him get more mad, and boy did it work.

"Oh, it is _on_!" I heard Church yell behind me before he started running too.

I guess it's a race now.


	6. Freak

**Chapter 6: Freak**

The cold water splashed against her face. She looked down at her hands, now soaked in water, then up at the mirror. She brought a hand up to her wet face and touched it, lightly at first, then more roughly before outright squeezing her cheek in her hand. She sighed then slapped herself as hard as she could across her cheek. She hissed through her gritted teeth as the pain began to overtake the side of her face she had slapped herself on.

"Son of a... _bitch!_ Wake up!" Yates exclaimed as she rubbed her sore cheek.

She looked back into the mirror, a deep red hand print now imprinted on her right cheek. She found herself breathing fast and heavily, she was on the edge of a freak out. _How did this happen? Is it even possible? What the hell is going on I don't... I can't... no._

"No," she ordered.

She closed her eyes, _in through the nose out through the mouth._ Yates exhaled, she was beginning to calm down, she slowly opened her eyes, she was still in Red Base's bathroom. She frowned, this was starting to get annoying now, she began to feel herself freaking out again but stopping herself.

 _Calm down, Em. You are_ not _in Blood Gulch, this is a dream... a_ very _realistic one at that,_ she sighed once more, _it's fine, you're fine, everything is fine._

She walked out of the bathroom, closing the door behind her. With her black and beige gauntlets back on her hands, she looked down at the beige Mark V helmet in her palms, before slipping it back on her head. She decided to take a walk around Red Base to calm her nerves.

 _So this is Red Base, huh? Certainly looks a lot more different than on the show, this place has actual rooms._ She thought as she paced around Red Base, doing her best to take her mind out of the situation.

She looked into the different rooms around Red Base as she passed what appeared to be separate bunk rooms, a miniature war room, hell even a kitchen. She couldn't help but notice a padlock on the fridge as she passed the kitchen though. She was confused for a moment but then remembered. _Grif._

As she rounded a corner she could hear Grif and Simmons having some sort of conversation in one of the bunk rooms, having nothing better to do, she decided to eavesdrop, she carefully slid back behind the corner to avoid being seen.

"You realize this won't work right?" Grif asked.

"Shut it Grif, just let me pack," Simmons said in a frustrated manner. _Pack? What the hell are they doing?_ Yates thought.

"Take it from someone who's been trying to get sent to a new base for years, Command isn't going to take any excuse, and definitely not 'I want to leave because I don't like girls,'" Grif said, ignoring Simmons' order.

Yates froze, _wait, Simmons is leaving because of... me?_ She drooped her shoulders, she began to feel slightly depressed for a moment, then she remembered it was only a dream and felt better... sort of.

"Grif are you forgetting who's in charge here? Get out and let me pack, that's an order!" Simmons said firmly.

Just then Yates faintly heard four shots that sounded distinctly like a sniper rifle, she realised it must be Donut getting shot at by Church. Which means any second now Grif and Simmons would head out in the Warthog (or Chupathingy) to help Donut.

"Woah, look who's having a power trip. Forget it, I don't even know why I'm bothering, go ahead, pack up for nothing, I'm heading to the canteen," Grif said as he began to walk out the room.

"Grif for the last time you're not going to open the padlock!" Simmons yelled.

"Yeah? Well I guess that's _two_ people in this base that'll be wasting their time!" Grif yelled back as he rounded the corner opposite of Yates.

Yates frowned behind her helmet, had they really not heard the shots? She sighed and came out of hiding. Yates walked towards the bunk room, preparing to tell Simmons about the shots, before stopping in her tracks.

 _Wait. If this really_ is _a dream..._ a devilish smile formed on her face, _there's no reason I can't have a little fun while I'm here._ She turned around and walked out of the base.

 _ **/**_

When I finally reached the exit of the teleporter, I was almost completely out of breath. Church had only barely beat me to the exit, but I could tell the run had taken a toll on him too.

"Take that... bitch," Church said proudly in between heavy breaths.

 _Typical Church, still an arrogant asshole even when he's tired out._

"Hey um... are you guys all right?" someone asked, I looked up to see Donut, still carrying the Blue flag.

"Hey... freeze!" Church yelled weakly as he raised his assault rifle to Donut's head.

"Woah!" Donut exclaimed before putting his hands up.

"What's this about? And why the hell were you shooting at me? You could've hit me! Dick." Donut said.

 _I prefer the term "asshole"._

"Don't... play... stupid with me... Sarge. I know... who ya are, we've been spying on you for months..." Church said, still trying to catch his breath.

"What's the matter Church? You must be out of shape," I teased, even though secretly I was pretty tired too.

Church's only response was to flip me the bird. I chuckled.

"I have no idea what's going on, first of all, I just got here, second, I'm not a Sergeant, I'm a private," Donut explained.

"Wait a minute, you're not the Sergeant!" Church said, bringing his rifle down a little bit.

"Yeah that's what I just said," Donut said beginning to get frustrated.

"Well then how the hell did you manage to steal our flag?" Church asked, confused.

"Steal? What're you talking about? I _bought_ this from the store," Donut turned his head and looked at me, he nodded his head towards me, his hands still up, "ask him, he knows, he was there when I bought the flag." he said.

 _Aw shit._

Church looked at me then back to Donut, "Okay, now _I'm_ confused. Rookie, you're gonna start making sense right n-"

" _Three!_ " Tucker yelled as he came out of the teleporter exit, covered in black stuff.

"Jesus!" Church exclaimed, he pointed his gun towards the black-colored Tucker in shock.

"Ah!" I yelled, doing my best to convince everyone else I was surprised by this.

"Holy shit! Who is this guy?" Donut asked as he brought his hands down.

"What in the hell? Tucker? Is that you?" Church asked, bringing his gun down.

"Huh? How did you get up here ahead of me?" Tucker asked, confused.

"And what's with that black shit on your armor?" asked Donut.

"Hey! Freeze, Sarge!" Tucker yelled, bringing his pistol up to Donut's head.

Donut sighed and put his arms back up "Would you stop calling me a Sergeant? I'm still just a Private." Donut said, thoroughly annoyed.

"The Sarge is still a Private? Oh. My. God. The teleporter sent me back in time!" Tucker exclaimed as though he had just made some huge discovery.

I sighed, _here we go._

 _ **/**_

Yates stared out the doorway at Lopez, who was working on the Chupathingy. She sighed, _here we go._ She stepped out of the base and walked towards him. When she got near Lopez took notice and stopped working on the jeep. He stood up and turned towards her, a slightly rusted wrench still in his hands.

"Erm, hi," Yates said awkwardly.

Lopez didn't respond.

Yates sighed, "Lopez, I need the jeep or the Warthog or whatever it is," she said, half expecting a lecture in a language she didn't know.

Instead, Lopez looked towards the jeep the back to Yates and shook his head.

For a moment Yates wondered why Lopez wasn't speaking, then she remembered that Lopez hadn't gotten a speaking module yet, he was mute, for now.

"Look, Lopez, Donut is out there and he's in trouble with the Blues, so could you please do me this little favor and let me take the jeep?" Yates asked.

Lopez looked toward the doorway of the base.

"What? Grif and Simmons? You can't honestly say you trust _them_ better than me, right?" Yates said.

Lopez shrugged and reached into his pocket, he pulled out the keys to the Puma and seemed to hesitate for a bit before tossing them to Yates.

"Awesome. Don't worry Lopez, I'll bring it back in one piece," Yates said as she climbed into the driver's seat of the jeep. She looked down the pedals. There were six of them. Yates groaned.

 _Well that's just fucking great._

Yates drove off, doing her best to figure out which pedal did what while simultaneously trying not to wreck the Chupathingy.

 _ **/**_

"Look, I know you don't know me, but you have to believe what I'm about to tell you. Some time in _your_ future I get stationed here in Blood Gulch, and we meet. And this guy here, he gets promoted to Sergeant of the Red Army, and we spy on them. And they get this new jeep, and I'm all like, 'There is no way you can pick up chicks in a tank!'" Tucker explained.

I sighed. _When is that jeep coming?_

"Tucker? What the fuck are you babbling about?" Church asked, extremely confused.

"I know all this sounds crazy, but he eventually becomes a Sergeant, and then one day we get a tank, and he comes and steals our flag while we're distracted," Tucker continued.

"Is this guy a retard?" Donut asked.

"Tucker, how can you be in the future if _I'm_ here?" I asked.

Tucker thought for a moment.

"Oh my god it's a time paradox!" Tucker yelled in genuine fear.

"Green, shut up. Red, shut up. Tucker, listen, ya haven't gone back in time, okay? This _is_ the guy who stole the flag, he's just not the Sergeant," Church said as the sound of Mexican music got progressively louder. I sighed in relief. _About time._

"Turns out he's just some dumb rookie who happens to have the same color armor as him. He got in somehow, just... _for God's sake! What is that music!?_ " Church yelled.

The Warthog flew over our heads as it ramped off the hill behind us. Already knowing where to go, I immediately took off running towards the cliffs. Tucker and Church yelled in surprise and fear as they too began to run. As I ran I wondered why the machine gun on the Warthog wasn't firing yet, since it had plenty of time to do so as we ran. But hey, I wasn't complaining about not getting shot.

By the time all three of us got behind a rock the gun had begun to spray bullets on the wall beside us, trapping us on the cliff.

"Well, we'll just wait here. That thing's gotta run outta bullets some time," Church said after a while.

And just like that the bullets stopped.

 _What._

"Huh, speak of the devil," Church said.

"Why did they stop firing? Are they really out of ammo?" Tucker asked.

"Well only one way to check. Tucker peek your head over," Church ordered.

"What? No way! What if it's a trap? You do it," Tucker argued.

"Oh _sure,_ and get the team leader killed? Good move. Dickhead," Church said sarcastically.

"Oh for fucks sake, I'll do it," I interjected before they could argue some more.

I slowly poked my head out from the side of the rock, I looked towards the jeep, the first thing I noticed was that there was no driver, only a lone gunner in beige armor looking down at the ground, almost like he was in deep thought.

 _Wait. Beige armor? No one has that color. What the fuck is going-_

My thoughts were interrupted when the beige soldier began firing again, I ducked my head back behind the rock.

"Well, what did you see?" Church asked.

But I hardly heard him, I was too busy with the questions in my mind, the biggest being, 'what the hell is going on?'


	7. Fridge

**Chapter 7: Fridge**

Yates slammed her foot on the accelerator, sending the jeep flying over the soldiers gathered beside the hill. She closed her eyes and braced for impact as the car flew through the air.

"Holy shit!" she heard Tucker exclaim.

"Son of a bitch!" Church yelled.

The Chupathingy landed with a resounding thud on the dirt below. Yates open her eyes, she looked to her left and saw Church, Tucker and Tex running towards the cliffs. Tucker's armor looked a bit too green but Yates assumed it was because her mind remembered his color wrong.

Yates unbuckled herself and got out of the drivers seat. She glanced at Donut (who's reaction could more or less be described as "shocked confusion") as she passed him and made her way to gun on the back of the Warthog. She jumped on the back and studied the chaingun in front of her for a bit before turning back to Donut.

"Donut, take the flag back to base," she ordered.

Donut nodded nervously before picking up the flag and hurrying back towards Red Base. Yates turned her attention back towards the Blues, they were about to reach the cliffs. _Man, those guys are slow at running._ She put her hands on the grips of the gun and pointed it toward the Blues, to her surprise the big and bulky firearm felt surprisingly comfortable in her hands, almost like she had used one like it before.

Yates shook the thought from her head, _of_ course _it feels comfortable, it_ is _a dream after all._

Yates waited until they were all behind cover before she began firing, she want to _hurt_ them after all, even if it was a dream. As the gun shook in her hands from the bullets being sprayed onto the cliff face beside them, a smirk began to stretch across her face, in a way it felt good to make others feel afraid of her (as sociopathic that might sound). Especially Tex, she had made a _Freelancer_ scared, not many people could say that.

 _Wait._

Yates stopped firing as a realization dawned on her.

 _Tex isn't here yet, the one in the black armor was Tucker. But then who was..._

Yates looked back up towards the rock the Blues were hiding behind. A green armored soldier was peeking his head out, probably to see what why Yates had stopped firing. She and the green soldier locked eyes for a moment. _But that doesn't make any sense, why is there..._

Yates frowned and began to fire the gun again; the green soldier ducked his head back behind the rock. _Of course it doesn't make any sense. It's. A. Dream._

But the more she thought that, the less she believed it.

 _ **/**_

"I can't believe this!" Simmons yelled angrily.

"Told you," Grif said, still trying to pick the lock on the fridge.

"'I can't leave because we would be at a disadvantage?!' What kind of excuse is that?!" Simmons continued yelling.

"Uh huh," Grif said absentmindedly as he continued his attempts to unlock the fridge.

"How would we be at a disadvantage?! The Blues have two soldiers and we have _six_!" Simmons steamed.

"Yeah, yeah, math and stuff," mumbled Grif.

Simmons sighed, "Grif are you even listening?" he asked in a much more apathetic tone.

"If I say yes will you stop talking?" Grif replied flatly.

Simmons groaned and flopped himself down on the metal dining chair behind him before bringing his hands up to his visor in a show of despair.

"Guys! Guys! Where are you?" an urgent voice broke out from inside the base.

Simmons brought his head up and listened in on the voice.

"Guys? Where are you? You would not _believe_ the day I've been having."

"Is that one of the rookies?" Simmons asked Grif, who, sure enough, was still kneeling in front of the fridge..

"Hm? Yeah, that's uh... Private Bagel or whatever."

Just then Donut ran into the kitchen, carrying...

Simmons froze.

"Oh _there_ you guys are! _Man_ this place is way bigger on the inside, anyway have _I_ got a story to tell you! So I went to the store like you told me too, right? I ask the cashier, who I think has a few screws loose if you know what I'm saying, if he has any elbow grease and he says no, right? So then I asked him if he had headlight fluid and guess what? He doesn't have that either! Some customer service I tell ya! Anyway, I'm talking to this guy and..."

Grif turned around angrily, " _Rookie! Would you shut up?! I'm trying_ to..." Grif quickly got quiet when he saw what Donut was holding.

Donut humphed, "Again, why is everyone in this canyon so rude!"

"Rookie? Where did you get that?" Simmons asked, awestruck.

"Well I was just _getting_ to that part before I was so rudely interrupted," Donut said, eyeing Grif, who was too busy staring at the blue flag Donut had with him.

"So can I finish my story please? And stop staring like that! It's creepy."

 _ **/**_

Grif looked through the scope of the sniper rifle in his hands. Sure enough, Yates was keeping the Blues pinned behind a rock on the cliffs. Grif couldn't help but notice two soldiers he hadn't seen before ducking behind the rock with the light blue one, a green one and a black one. Grif wondered if the Blues had gotten new recruits too and groaned at the thought. More Blues meant more Blues to _fight_ and more Blues to fight meant more work.

"So let me get this straight, you asked for the flag, and that _worked_?" Simmons asked incredulously.

"Yeah. Is it not supposed to?" Donut asked.

"I don't know, we... never even thought to try that..." Simmons mumbled in disbelief.

"You know, at first I wasn't too sure about these rookies but already they've done way more then I did on my first day," Grif said, setting the sniper rifle down and turning towards Simmons and Donut.

"That's because all you did on your first day was eat almost half our rations, that's why we had to lock the fridge," said Simmons.

"Yeah, those were good times," Grif said longingly, looking up at the clouds.

"Soo I guess we should tell Yates to bring the jeep back to base and then we can..." Simmons' words trailed off as he noticed something in the distance.

"What?" asked Grif before turning around, "aw shit," Grif said.

A tank treaded through the open field of Blood Gultch, making its way toward Yates, who was still shooting at the Blues, oblivious to the tank coming towards her. If it continued on its course, it would certainly crush Yates and the jeep.


	8. Tank

**Chapter 8: Tank**

The tank was only a few feet away from Yates before it stopped, did a full 180, and started moving in the other direction.

"What is it doing?" Grif asked himself; he had been watching the scene play out through the scope of his sniper rifle.

The tank moved forward until it hit a rock and its canon began to move around erratically. Whoever was driving the tank was clearly doing it for the first time, Grif thought. But it probably wouldn't be long before they got the hang of it.

Grif brought the sniper rifle down, "Well Simmons congratulations, looks like the girl is going to die anyway," Grif turned to face Simmons.

"Looks like now you don't need to-" Grif stopped when he realized Simmons wasn't there.

"Uh, where's Simmons?" Grif asked Donut, who had been standing next to Simmons earlier.

Donut's only response was to point down the canyon, Grif turned back around and saw Simmons running across the field towards Yates.

"Simmons! What are you doing?!" Grif yelled.

Simmons stopped running and turned to Grif, "What do you mean 'what am I doing'? I need to save the rookie!" Simmons yelled back.

"What?! Why?! I though you didn't want a girl on red team!" Grif shouted.

"That doesn't mean I want her to _die_ dipshit! Besides, Sarge left _me_ in charge, if he finds out I lost a rookie and the jeep all in one day he'll kill me! Now come on! Are you gonna help me or what?!" Simmons yelled before taking off down the field again.

"Uh, sure man! I'll be right behind you!" yelled Grif.

But Grif didn't move.

"Well? Aren't you gonna help him?" Donut asked.

Grif gave a short laugh.

"Fuck no," Grif said flatly.

 _ **/**_

"My god, doesn't that thing ever run out of bullets?" Church asked to no one in particular.

 _Could he be a freelancer?_

"You know in hindsight we should have brought the tank," Tucker said.

 _Are there any freelancers with beige armor?_

"Hey Tucker, what good is a tank if nobody here knows how to drive it?" Church asked, with a hint of condescension in his voice.

 _Well... York is_ kinda _beige but... no, there's no reason he would be here._

"Yeah, I can see how hiding behind a rock is a much better strategy," Tucker said sarcastically.

 _Did the Reds get a second rookie too?_

"Well, yeah, but... oh man, I guess I gotta give that one to ya..." Church conceded.

 _Maybe some things are changing because of my presence here._

"Unless the rookie here knows how to drive a tank," said Church, "Hey rookie, can you drive a tank?" Church asked me.

I gulped, _has anything else changed?_

"Rookie? Hey, rookie! Are you deaf? I asked if you knew how to drive a tank," Church said, trying to grab my attention.

"Huh, what?" I said, coming out of my daze.

Church groaned, "Never mind, fucking idiots..." Church grumbled.

 _ **/**_

 _You know, shooting at a blank rock face can only be so fun before it starts to get tedious,_ Yates thought to herself as the machine gun in her hands continued to spray bullets onto the cliffside. She wondered how long she had been shooting for, surely by now _someone_ would have noticed and done something.

 _Then again these_ are _the Reds and Blues, all they ever do is stand around and tal-_

A hand suddenly seized her by the arm and pulled her off the back of the jeep, sending her sprawling across the ground below. Dazed, she looked up to see who had wrenched her off the gun; a familiar maroon helmet was staring down at her.

"Oh, shit! I-I'm sorry I didn't mean to pull you so rough like that sir- I mean ma'am!" Simmons stuttered.

Yates scowled and pushed herself up, "What the hell was that about?!" Yates asked angrily.

Simmons flinched slightly at her harsh tone, "U-u-um well you see... um... there's a thing out here... and me and Grif came to help you, you know- before it kills you," Simmons stammered nervously.

Yates looked behind Simmons, "Grif?"

Simmons turned around, "Oh you backstabbing cockbite..." Simmons muttered before turning back to Yates.

"So wait you said there's a... thing?" Yates asked confusedly.

"Um, yeah! It's... kinda hard to explain, it's big, it's scary and..." Simmons stopped and shakily pointed behind Yates, "it looks like that..." Simmons whimpered.

"What?" Yates turned around to see the Blues' tank parked right in front of her. She had only ever seen the tank from the safety of a small computer screen, so being up close to it was... understandably more intimidating. That is to say it's sheer mass made her feel like an ant in comparison and it's menacing cannon was pointed just inches away from her face. Only one word could describe the situation she was in...

"Well... shit," Yates said.

 _ **/**_

"Psst, hey, he stopped firing again," Church whispered to Tucker and me.

"Why are you whispering?" Tucker responded in a normal tone.

"Um... I don't know," Church whispered.

"Your still doing it," I pointed out.

"Shut up," Church replied in an embarrassed manner.

Tucker went over to the side of the rock and poked his head out.

"Holy shit," Tucker said in disbelief before stepping out from behind the rock.

"What is it?" Church asked before stepping out from cover as well.

I followed suite and stood next to Church. I saw the beige soldier and Simmons standing right in front of the tank, the main cannon pointed centimeters away from the beige soldiers helmet.

"Holy shit! I guess one of the rookies _does_ know how to drive a tank!" Church beamed with excitement.

"Hey rookie? Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?!"

I took this chance to get a closer look at the beige soldier. _I was right... it_ is _another rookie from Red Team, there are no freelancers who look like that..._

"Target locked..."

 _I wonder if this guy is from the real world too..._

"Uh oh... hey rookie? You may want to back off..."

 _Well I guess it doesn't matter now, it looks like whoever he is is gonna- wait what did he say?_

I looked back at the tank, Simmons and the beige soldier were gone, the main cannon was no longer focused on them, instead was pointed at Church and...

"What? Oh son of a bi-"

I dove down the cliff, the tank fired, my ears rang as the blast impaired my hearing. The shock wave of the explosion caused me to fly forward much faster (and higher) then I had intended.

I hit the ground with a thud. The last thing I saw after my body had stopped spiraling down the cliff was the beautiful bright blue sky and sun, which beat down on my face through the visor of my helmet. The ringing in my ears stopped, my hearing returned and yet it was... peacefully silent. It would have been a nice way to go... if the silence hadn't been broken with...

"You shot them you teamkilling fucktard!"

 _Oh god, please don't let that be the last thing I hear before I die._

I blacked out.


	9. Explosion

**Chapter 9: Explosion**

To call today crazy would have been a _major_ understatement.

Yates still couldn't understand what had happened even after she and Simmons had made it back to base. One second the tanks canon was right in her face, and the next it was blowing up Church and the green soldier. Before her mind even had time to process any of this, Simmons had grasped her arm and suddenly they were sprinting back towards Red Base. Before she knew it, she and Simmons were running up the ramp and onto the top of the base, where Grif and Donut were waiting for them.

"So, did you guys bring back any headlight fluid?" Grif asked sarcastically.

"What happened out there? We heard explosions and a lot of yelling; Grif wanted to take bets on if you were still alive," Donut said.

"And now I owe Donut twenty dollars, welcome back shitheads," Grif said bitterly.

"The tank we saw earlier found us! I think whoever's driving it is a fucking maniac! It was right in front of us but instead of shooting us it turned it's canon and killed two of the blues! Me and Yates got out of there and ran as fast we could back here," Simmons said.

"Well actually _he_ ran, I sorta just got pulled along. Speaking of which, Simmons? Could you let go of my arm please?" Yates said, gesturing down to her arm.

Simmons looked down at his hand, which was still tightly wrapped around Yates' forearm; he quickly retracted it as though she were made of molten lava, "Sh-shit, sorry," Simmons stammered awkwardly.

"Wait, did you guys lose the car? Man, Lopez is gonna be _pissed_ ," Donut said.

At that moment an explosion sent the jeep flying over the wall and onto the top of Red Base, landing so that it split Grif and Donut from Simmons and Yates.

"What the hell?" Grif asked in confusion before another explosion hit Red Base itself.

"Son of bitch!" Grif yelled as he and Donut turned and ran towards the ramp closest to them for cover.

Simmons and Yates ducked into the ramp opposite to Grif and Donut as the tank continued to fire shells at Red Base.

"Oh crap! What the hell is that thing?!" Donut exclaimed.

"It's the tank!" Simmons yelled back before another explosion shook Red Base.

Yates' whole body tensed up, if there was anything she hated more than spiders it was earthquakes. _No, no, no, but none of this is real right? It's all just a drea-_ her thoughts were interrupted when another explosion shook Red Base.

Yates whimpered in terror, _it's just a dream, it's just a dream, it's just a dream, don't freak out, don't freak out, don't freak out,_ she thought frantically as the base continued to shake and quake from the tanks unrelenting assault.

Another shell hit near the base of the ramp she and Simmons were ducking behind, just far enough away to not injure either of them.

It was at that moment that Yates realized; the slight warmth of the explosion, her numb arms from firing the gun earlier, her aching feet from running so far. These were real feelings, this was a real situation, she really was in Red vs Blue.

 _Fuck._

Yates brought her head down, the base took another hit, she didn't care, there was too much to think about.

"I hate to be the one to point this out, guys, but I think were screwed..." Donut said forlornly.

"Yeah, I have to agree with the rookie on this one," Simmons said in a surprisingly resigned tone.

Suddenly, the Reds radios played a familiar whistling tune, indicating an incoming transmission. A gruff southern accent spoke over their radios, "Blood Gulch Outpost Number One. Come in, Blood Gulch Outpost, come in. Do you read me? This is Sergeant-" Sarge said.

Grif had never been more happy to hear Sarge in his life, "Oh my god, Sarge, is that you?" he asked excitedly.

"Roger that, Private. I am currently in-bound to your position from Command," Sarge replied.

"Sir! This is Simmons!" Simmons yelled over the explosions.

"Hello, Simmons," Sarge greeted, "I hope everything's gone alright while I've been gone."

"Actually, sir, things are kind of hectic right now. The new rookies arrived, and somehow one of them managed to infiltrate the Blue Base, and now we have their flag, the Warthog is damaged, two of their guys are dead, and there's this huge fucking tank about to destroy our base," Grif explained.

The radio got quiet, the four red soldiers stood in silence as the tank still continued to fire upon the base.

Finally Sarge responded, "Am I talkin' to the right base?" Sarge asked skeptically.

"Sarge, _we. Are going. To die here!_ " Grif pleaded.

"Well then hold tight, boys. I think I got a solution to your little 'tank' problem," Sarge said before he signed off.

A large aircraft flew over Blood Gulch Outpost Number 1, briefly shrouding it with its shadow. Several explosions were heard, though not from the tank this time. The explosions grew more distant, Red Team peeked out from their hiding places (except Yates). The explosions got closer and closer to the tank until...

...and just like that, it was over as quickly as it began.

"Woohoo! Yeah suck it blues!" Simmons cheered.

"Wow! That was awesome!" Donut exclaimed.

"How'd ya like that?" Sarge said proudly over the radio.

"Okay, even I have to admit that was pretty fucking epic," Grif said.

"Alright boys, I'll be landing back at Red Base momentarily, we can talk about what happened and why it's Grifs fault then," Sarge said before signing off.

"Wait 'til Sarge hears what I have to tell him, we'll see who's fault it is then," Grif mumbled deviously.

Yates had still not moved from her position on the ramp; surprisingly she had not freaked out like she had expected instead a thousand questions flooded her mind and left her so distracted that she had hardly noticed the battle was over. She felt a tap on her shoulder and turned to see Donut looking down at her.

"Hey, it's over, you can come out now," Donut said excitedly.

 _No, it's not over. It's_ far _from over._

Yates picked herself up, "Thanks," she said absently.

She made her way past Donut and stared out at the canyon beyond her, a flipped over and destroyed tank lay in the middle canyon.

This was real, she was in Blood Gulch.

But for how long?

What if she never came home? What if this was her life now? Stuck with a sociopath, a know-it-all, a couch potato, and a literal walking innuendo. Well, maybe it wasn't so bad, at least she wasn't stuck with a jerk, a pervert and an idiot.

 _But what about the green soldier?_

Yates had only just now begun to think about him again. Was he from the real world too? Was he even _alive_? And if he was...

What was he doing now?

 _ **/**_

It was dark, why did it have to be so dark?

I knew I was a awake, at least I _felt_ awake. Had the explosion taken out my eyesight?

Suddenly everything from pitch black to bright white.

"Argh!" I grunted as I shielded my eyes.

I brought my hands down and struggled to adjust with the sudden lighting change. As my vision cleared I quickly noticed the tall, shadowy, humanoid figure in front of me.

"Hello?" it asked, it's deep voice seeming to echo off into infinity.

I stood in shock, what the hell was this thing and where was I?


	10. Shepard

**Chapter 10: Shepard**

The pitch black silhouette stood in deep contrast to the white room around us; he was much taller than me, and I couldn't help but notice the black smoke slightly emanating off his body. Needless to say I was about ready to shit pants. I took my eyes off him only for a second to examine the white room around us... well, I guess you couldn't really call it a room per se, as I couldn't really see any walls, for all I knew it was just an infinite void of nothing but pure whiteness. But that couldn't be the case, I was awake, I _knew_ I was awake, I could feel my feet on the floor, the soreness in my back, everything.

So where the hell was I?

"Erm, hello? Is this thing on?" the black figure inquired.

 _Okay, I wasn't expecting_ that _._

The... thing spoke innocently enough, despite it's terrifying aura. I still couldn't figure out what it was or why its voice sounded so eerily familiar.

After much hesitation I decided to reply, "Yes, I can hear you," I responded carefully. I made a mental note to choose my words correctly, I had no idea what this thing was capable of.

"Oh good, for a second there I was worried the blast had taken out your hearing," it said in a genuinely relieved tone.

 _So this thing cares about my well being? Why?_

I decided to save that question for later, "So, where exactly am I? Am I... dead?" I asked hesitantly, almost not wanting to know the answer.

"Well, as for the 'where', you're at what I like to call the Nexus of Realities," the thing said, spreading it arms out proudly like it was showing off something other than a white void.

"As for the 'are you dead' question the answer is no, well, for _now_ at least," it continued.

I gulped, "Wait, what do mean' for now'?" I asked apprehensively.

"Well, as you've been recently demonstrated the Red vs Blueniverse isn't exactly the safest place in the multiverse. You'll pull through though, you have the luck of knowing what'll happen beforehand," it replied.

 _Yeah, what luck. Stuck in a foreign universe filled with morons with heavy weaponry, evil AI's, predator knock-offs, and bounty hunter supersoldiers who will no doubt like nothing more than to put a bullet in my head. Oh yeah, I won the fucking lottery didn't I?_

The thing stared at me, somehow through all the smoke I could tell it was frowning. Oh god, had it heard me? Was it listening to my thoughts this entire time?

I opened my mouth to ask another question but before I could it said, "Welp, I'd better get going."

"Wha- _going_? You can't leave! I have so many other questions!" I pleaded.

"Well _someone_ has to try to get you home. You, my friend, are at the epicenter of some _very_ heated multidimensional politics, and _I'm_ on the side trying to get you back where you belong as quickly as possible. Trust me, I'm sure we'll be seeing each other again _really_ soon," it said as it began to fade away into the white void, at the same time I noticed the void getting dimmer, almost as if it were slowly losing power.

"But, wait! I... at least tell me _why_ I'm here!" I yelled after it.

The thing sighed, "Let's just say... I'm _partially_ responsible," it spoke solemnly before it completely faded from view.

"Wait! Wait!" I yelled desperately as the white void continued to get darker around me.

A sudden drowsiness began to overwhelm me as I fell to my knees and then onto my stomach.

"Wait... just... hold... on..." I said weakly.

Darkness surrounded me.

 _ **/**_

My eyes shot open.

I gasped as I quickly sprang up from the bunk I had been resting on. I looked around at my surroundings, the empty gray concrete walls, the cold steel floor, yup I was in back in Blood Gulch. I groaned as I fell back onto my bunk. I looked at the ceiling.

 _What the hell was that? Was it even real? It felt_ way _too real_ not _to be. It mentioned something about "multidimensional politics". Is that what this is? Did I somehow travel into a different dimension?_

 _A different dimension,_ it was almost too insane to believe.

 _Will I ever go home?_

I got off my bunk and made my way into the hallway, my headache was starting to creep up on me again, and I still hadn't found the aspirin.

 _Will I ever see my family again?_

I eventually found the restroom after searching for a while, I reached for the medicine cabinet above the sink when I noticed the black soot on the back of my armored hand. "What the..." I mumbled.

 _How long will I have to stay here?_

I turned away from the mirror on the medicine cabinet so I could get a better view at my back, I turned my head to look at the mirror and gasped at what I saw. The back of my armor had been completely scorched by the explosion, if I hadn't dived down the cliff in time I would have...

 _Died._

I shuddered as I opened the medicine cabinet and wrapped my hand around a bottle of aspirin. 'Take two' the directions said. I shakily poured twelve capsules into the palm of my hand.

I stared at them.

 _Was it worth it?_

" _Well_ someone _has to try to get you home. You, my friend, are at the epicenter of some_ very _heated multidimensional politics, and_ I'm _on the side trying to get you back where you belong as quickly as possible."_ the things words rang in my head.

I put ten of the capsules back into the bottle and downed the remaining two before screwing the cap back on and placing it back into the medicine cabinet, I walked out of the bathroom and down the hall.

 _Someone or something is out there, it cares about and it wants to get you home as fast as possible._

I repeated the thought in my head as I got closer the doorway of Blue Base.

 _And if that's the only motivating thought you have, then so be it._

I stepped out of Blue Base.

"Whoever he is, make sure he can fix a tank," Tucker spoke into his radio.

"What's a Freelancer?" Caboose asked.

Tucker turned to answer Caboose but stopped when he noticed me walking out of the base.

"Well look who's up for the third time today. Look Caboose, it's the teammate you _didn't_ kill," Tucker said sarcastically.

"Shepard?" Caboose asked in disbelief when he saw me.

I paused. _How does he know my last name?_

But before I could ask, I was suddenly being being bear hugged into the air by Caboose.

"I am so glad that you're alive," Caboose said happily.

Despite everything, I couldn't help but smile.

"I'm glad I'm alive too Caboose."


	11. Interruption

**Chapter 11: Interruption**

"Like I said before, you guys are fucking weird," Tucker said.

I rolled my eyes under my helmet before a sharp pain suddenly enveloped my spine, _that tank must've done more damage than I thought._

"Hey Caboose, how 'bout you let me down? My back kinda hurts," I told Caboose as gingerly as I could.

"Oh," Caboose put me down; I rubbed my back in pain; "is it because I shot you with the tank?" Caboose asked glumly.

"No shit because you shot us with the tank!" a familiar assholeish voice yelled before I could respond.

The "ghost" of Church stood like a deer in the headlights as all of us turned to look at him.

"Shit, hang on a second, I had this whole dramatic reveal planned out, let me try again," Church said before disappearing.

The three of us stood in shocked silence for a second before Church began to slowly fade in again.

"Tuuuckerrr, Tuuuckerrr, I am the ghost of Church and I have come back with a waaarrning," Church spoke in a slow, ghostly voice.

"You're not Church! Church is blue. You're white!" Caboose spoke in a disbelieving tone.

"Rookie, shut up, man! I'm a freakin' ghost! Have you ever seen a blue ghost before?" Church snapped back in his normal voice.

"Yeah, that's definitely him," said Tucker.

"What was your first clue? The bitchy attitude or the constant complaining?" I said.

"Hey up yours, Green! I fuckin' _died!_ I got a _right_ to complain!" Church yelled, "Ah damn it, now I gotta start over _again_ ," Church cleared his throat, "Tuuuckerrr, Tuuuckerrr, I've come back with a warning," Church resumed in his bad ghostly voice.

"Is it really necessary to do the voice?" Tucker asked.

"Yeah, it's kinda annoying," Caboose said.

"Yeah come on, isn't your normal voice already annoying enough?" I asked with a smirk.

Church sighed, " _Fine._ Okay, here's the deal: I've come back from the dead to give you a warning about Tex. Don't let-"

"What's the warning?" Caboose asked, interrupting Church.

"Shut up for _one_ second and I'll tell you!" Church snapped back.

"Oh, sorry," Caboose apologized.

"Seriously, man. I mean, I'm coming back from the great beyond here. Do you think this is easy? It's not. It's not like, just, you know, pop in and out whenever I feel like it, it takes a lot of concentration," Church said.

"Sorry," Caboose repeated.

Church was still ranting, "I mean, it's bad enough that you killed me to begin with but now I come back and I can't get a word in edgewise, man. Okay, here's the deal-"

"Is this the warning?" Caboose interrupted again.

"Alright, that's it. I swear to god, Caboose, your ass is haunted. When we're done here, I'm gonna haunt you. Same with you, Green," Church said angrily.

"Oh I'm flattered," I responded sarcastically, "by the way my name is Shepard, not Green, just thought you might want to know," I added.

Church scoffed, "Whatever. Anyway, Tucker. You remember that I told you that I was stationed on Sidewinder before they transferred me here to Blood Gulch, right?" Church asked Tucker.

"No," Tucker responded.

"Sidewinder? Isn't that the ice planet?" Caboose asked.

"Yes," Church replied.

"Cool! What was that like?" Caboose asked excitedly.

"Um, cold, it was really fuckin' cold," Church said.

I winced as the sharp pain from earlier suddenly shot up my back again, "Urgh, you know what? Let Casper the Bitchy Asshole finish his story then fill me in on the details after, my back is fucking killing me," I said as I walked back into Blue Base.

"Again?! Holy shit dude, you've been in bed today more times than _me_ , and that's saying something! Bow Chicka Bow Wow!" Tucker said.

"Yeah? Well get shot by a fucking tank and then we'll take score to see who rests more, okay?" I responded sarcastically.

"Hey Shepard! I have a better idea! How about you get _killed_ by a tank and _I'll_ disrespect the shit out of _you_ when you focus all of your energy to come back and try to warn us about somethin', how's that for a plan?" Church yelled after me.

"Hate ya too, buddy!" I said as I rounded the corner into the hallway of Blue Base.

"Actually, skip that last part, how 'bout you just fucking _die_ ," Church yelled.

I sighed as I walked into my room and laid down on my bunk, _this is gonna be a long day._

 _ **/**_

Emma Yates sat on the bunk in her room, alone, staring at the helmet in her hands. She ran her fingers through every part of the helmet, examining every bit of its intricate features. Her mind was still processing what she had only moments ago just realized, she sighed before putting her helmet to the side. She still couldn't believe how much of an idiot she had been, she nearly gotten herself killed because she thought she was dreaming. She shuddered at even thinking of the possibility of her dying in _Blood Gulch_ of all places.

Putting the thought of dying to the side, she decided to think of more pressing questions such as, what would she have to do to get back home? Would she have to see the entire series through to the end? Would she have to wait until God or whatever the fuck had put her there to get bored and send her home? Maybe this was like a movie situation, maybe she had to learn about the power of friendship or some other important life lesson before she could get home.

She groaned, _please_ _don't be that, as if this situation isn't already cliché enough as it is._

But before Yates could think of more cliché ways out of her problem an all too familiar voice spoke from the doorway of her room.

"There you are! _Man_ this place is a lot bigger on the inside," said Donut.

Yates sighed, "Tell me about it," she replied before picking her helmet up.

"What's up?" she asked, slipping the beige helmet on her head.

"The sergeant wants to see you, something about you taking a valuable piece of military equipment without the permission of a superior and being responsible for damaging it... or something along those lines," Donut answered.

"Great," Yates grumbled.

Yates got up from her bunk and followed Donut down the hall.

"Oh hey, I've been meaning to ask, do you think they'll give me my own color armor because I got the flag?" Donut asked with enthusiasm.

"Oh totally. Hell, I bet you'll have the best armor color on the entire team Donut," Yates said semi-sarcastically.

Eventually, they reached the outside of the base, where Sarge, Simmons, Grif, Lopez and a destroyed Chupathingy were waiting for them.

"That's the one Sarge, that's the rookie that destroyed the jeep," Grif said while pointing to Yates.

Yates got confused, _had Grif actually tattled on her?_

"Ah, so _you're_ the one responsible for this?" Sarge said, gesturing to the damaged Warthog behind him.

Before Yates could even open her mouth to speak Sarge had already begun talking, "Let me see if I've got this straight, you took the Warthog without the permission of Simmons or Grif and got it blown halfway to Hell?" Sarge asked.

"Yes sir! I saw her do it!" Grif blurted before Yates could reply.

Yates glared at Grif, _is no one gonna let me talk?_

"Hrmph, I see," Sarge took a step towards Yates, "Private Yates, words cannot describe how deeply disappointed I am... _in Grif!"_ Sarge yelled suddenly before quickly turning towards Grif.

"What?" Yates and Grif said simultaneously.

"Private Grif you should be ashamed of yourself! Watching your fellow man hold off an entire squadron of Blues on his own while you sit around eating snack cakes and playing games! I'm withholding your rations for the rest of the day!" Sarge shouted.

"Oh _come on!_ " Grif yelled exasperatedly.

Yates got confused, _how did Sarge already know about me saving Donut?_

Sarge turned to face Yates while Grif shouted obscenities in the background, "Congratulations Private Yates, you were a fine soldier today! You took your own initiative and saved Private Donut from enemy hands! Now, because of you and him we have the Blues' flag! I can only imagine the humiliation those dirty Blues must be feeling right now," Sarge sniffled, "almost makes me wanna cry, knowing I'll never see it," Sarge choked, holding back tears.

"Oh... um, thanks? I guess?" Yates said apprehensively, _how the fuck do you even respond to that?_

Sarge suddenly froze and stared at Yates, "Um... come again?" Sarge asked.

"I said 'thanks'," Yates replied confusedly, _why is he acting so weird all of a sudden... unless..._

Yates' eyes widened behind her visor. _No no no, he_ has _to know, right?_

"Erm Simmons, you're sure _she_ was the one who took the Warthog and saved Donut right?" Sarge asked.

"Oh you have got to be fucking kidding me," Yates mumbled as memories of Sarge's first meeting with Sister began to flood her mind.

"Um yeah, I'm pretty sure sir," Simmons responded.

Sarge looked at Yates then back to Simmons, "Okay, but you're _positive,_ right? There's no chance she switched armor with someone more... _manlike_ halfway there?" asked Sarge.

Yates groaned, _this is gonna be a long day._


	12. Involved

**Chapter 12: Involved**

My eyes shot open as the sound of gunfire emanated from the top of the base.

 _Fuck._

I groaned as I realized what this meant, _She_ was here. I debated just staying in my bunk room until she left for Red Base but I figured I would eventually have to meet her anyway so I might as well do it sooner than later. I got up from my bunk and made my way outside and onto the ramp leading to the base's roof. As I slowly and apprehensively walked up the ramp I made a mental note to not say or do anything that could potentially piss her off. When I reached the top I saw her using Caboose as target practice and talking to Tucker, just like it had happened in the show.

"That's basically it, sir. They have five guys over there and a big jeep," Tucker said as Tex continued firing at the wall around Caboose.

"And your flag," Tex spoke through her voice modifier as she reloaded her pistol, never once turning to face Tucker.

"Yeah, that too," Tucker responded.

Tex lobbed a grenade off the top of the wall, it exploded in mid-air, just inches away from the back of the wall, Caboose whimpered. I briefly considered stopping her, but my fear of getting decked in the face and/or balls outweighed my worry of Caboose.

"Uh, hey, Tex? I don't know what it's been like at your other bases, but we try not to use other soldiers as target practice here," Tucker said as casually as he could.

"I'm scared," Caboose's voice wavered meekly.

Tex turned away from Caboose to ready her weapons and as she did she spotted me standing at the top of the ramp.

I saw Tex's body visibly stiffen as she saw me, I prayed she didn't think I was an enemy.

"Who's this?" she asked as she silently placed her finger on the trigger of her pistol.

"Who him? He's the other rookie we got," Tucker said.

"Yeah, uh, sorry we didn't get the chance to meet earlier, I'm kinda still shaking off an injury," I explained nervously.

 _Don't kill me don't kill me don't kill me don't kill me don't kill me don't kill me don't kill me._

She eyed me for a second before her body seemed to relax a little, "Hmph, right," she said coolly as she went back to preparing her weapons.

I mentally sighed.

"So, you've got the Special Forces black armor, I see. Were you in the Special Forces at some point?" Tucker asked in an attempt to make casual conversation.

Tex took the assault rifle off her back and reloaded it, completely ignoring Tucker's question.

"Yeah, I used to have black armor too. It was black because I got this stuff all over it from the-" Tucker continued before Tex started down the canyon, leaping off the top of the base.

"Oh, okay, you gotta go? I'll see you later," Tucker said, visibly calming down after she left.

Caboose walked up to Tucker, "I don't think he likes you," he whispered.

Tucker sighed, "Thanks," he murmured sarcastically.

"If it makes you feel any better I don't think he likes me much either," I said.

The three of us made our way to the edge of the base that Tex had jumped off of, we watched as she made her way towards Red Base.

"Hey! Where are you going?!" Tucker yelled after her.

Tex stopped running and turned to face Tucker, "Red Base. Kill everybody. Get the flag back," she replied coldly before resuming her way towards Red Base.

"Oh... okay! We'll just stay here and guard the trans.. porter..." Caboose yelled back sheepishly.

We stood in silence for a few seconds before I spoke up, "So um, I assume he's the Freelancer you called?" I asked, feigning ignorance.

"Yes! He is _very scary_ ," Caboose answered.

"Hey dude? Do me a favor, remind me to never call one of them ever again," Tucker asked me, "Fucking rude asshole..." he mumbled.

I chuckled, "I'll be sure to do that; uh, anyway, what did Church say after I left?" I asked.

Tucker shrugged, "he told us some story about how Tex stole his girl and killed all of his team on Sidewhatever. He also warned us not to let Tex get involved," Tucker replied.

"So you let him get involved?" I asked confusedly.

"Hey, you want to tell him we called him in for nothing be my fucking guest, I'd rather keep my limbs _attached_ to my body," Tucker said defensively.

"Good point," I conceded, "so what do we do now?" I asked.

"We watch the Reds get their asses kick by a badass Freelancer. Which reminds me, I can finally use the sniper rifle!" Tucker beamed, "where is it?" he asked as he looked around for it.

"Uh, Tucker?" I said as I gestured to Caboose, who was already looking towards Red Base with the sniper rifle.

"God dammit! Every time!" Tucker yelled in frustration.

 _ **/**_

Yates was a little on edge to say the least.

As she readied her weapons, she listened towards the top of the base.

"Hey, since I captured the flag, do you think they'll give me my own color armor now?" Donut asked.

"What do you mean 'captured'? You thought you were buying it at the store, you idiot," Simmons replied.

Good, they were still talking, that meant she wasn't here... yet.

She briefly considered canning this awful idea and just hiding in a closet or something until she left.

But this needed to be done.

Yates sighed and got back to work.

 _ **/**_

"What do you see Caboose?" I asked.

"The yellow one and the two red ones are talking but I can't see Tex. Wait! One of the red ones has something on his head, I think it is a spider," Caboose explained.

"A spider?" Tucker asked incredulously.

"Yes, a blue spider..." Caboose continued before an explosion was heard in the distance, "Oh wait, I don't think that was a spider."

"Son of a bitch!" we heard Grif and Simmons yell in unison.

"What about Tex? Do you see him?" Tucker asked.

"Yes! Wait... no! Kind of..." Caboose said.

"Where'd he go? Don't kill me, I'm too good looking to die!" Grif yelled.

"Man... he is really kicking their asses," Caboose said in amazement.

"How come I never get the fucking sniper rifle?" Tucker asked again in an annoyed tone.

I sighed, _soon, Tucker, soon._

"I'm really glad Tex is on our team and not theirs," Caboose said as he lowered the sniper rifle.

"Sure makes things a lot easier on us," Tucker said.

"Yeah. I think switching Tex for Church was a good trade," Caboose said.

"Tell me about it," I mumbled.

"It definitely seems like your blowing up Church and Shepard is starting to work out for us," Tucker said.

"Speak for yourself! I think I might have shrapnel in my spine," I said as I rubbed my sore back.

Tucker rolled his eyes, "Whatever, did Tex get in the base?" Tucker asked Caboose.

Caboose raised the sniper rifle again, "Yeah," he responded.

"Blue team flag returned," a strange, deep voice said.

Tucker and I turned towards the source of the voice.

"What the? Who said that?" Tucker asked.

Church's ghost appeared and cleared his throat, "Sorry, that was me. I, uh, I guess I had something stuck in my throat. Your flag is back, by the way," Church pointed out.

"Hey, it's Church!" Caboose beamed as he turned around.

"Yeah, hey it's Church," I murmured apathetically.

"Yeah, it's me. Hey, Caboose," Church responded hesitantly.

"Hey, Church, what're you up to?" Caboose asked happily.

"Caboose," Church chuckled, "I'm not really here to make small-talk, okay? How'd you guys manage to get your flag back?" Church asked.

"Wh-What? Oh, th-that flag? We've always had that," Tucker stammered nervously.

"Tucker, who do you think you're trying to fool? Hey, wait a second... where's Tex?" Church asked with suspicion.

"I'm not really sure, he said he was gonna go to the store, something about uh, elbow grease," Tucker lied unconvincingly.

"Yeah, and uh... elbow grease and... wiper juice," I added.

"Oh great. This is so typical! What was the one thing I told you guys the last time I appeared?" Church asked.

"That Sidewinder is cold?" Caboose guessed.

Church grunted, "What was the _other_ one thing I told you?" he hissed.

" _Oh!_ That ghosts can't be blue!" I replied with a devious smile.

Church growled, "I _said_ don't let Tex get involved, and what do you do?"

"We let him get involved," Tucker said.

"And not just a little involved. How involved?" Church asked with growing anger.

"Very, very involved," Caboose said ashamedly.

"Hey Church, here's another suggestion, next time you don't want someone to get involved, tell us _before_ we've already called them," I teased.

"Up yours," Church responded bitterly, "Someone go see what's going on at Red Base," Church demanded.

"Um, I can-" Tucker started.

"I'll do it!" Caboose exclaimed, picking the sniper rifle back up.

Tucker sighed, "Nevermind," he fumed.

 _ **/**_

"Don't kill me, I'm too good looking to die!" Grif pleaded.

"Eek! I'm gonna faint!" Simmons yelled.

Yates stepped out from the hallway, pistol shaking in her hand, she knew Tex would be in the base any second now. She breathed deeply, doing her best to calm herself down.

 _You have a plan, albeit a very stupid plan that will most likely get you killed, but a plan nonetheless, you can do this._

She continued through the silent, empty halls of Red Base, never once losing the feeling that someone was watching her.

 _ **/**_

"Oh, yep, he's definitely captured... or dead... captured or dead. ... _or_ captured _and_ dead!" Caboose gasped.

"Or _dead_ and _captured_ ," I said, playing along with Caboose.

"Oh, well that's just _perfect!_ " Church yelled angrily.

"What!? What is your problem!? Why do you even care if he's captured? I thought you hated that guy anyway for stealing your girlfriend," Tucker pointed out.

"I never said I _hated_ Tex. I just said that _she_ was the reason why we never got married," Church said.

"She?" Caboose asked.

"Dun dun dunnnnn," I sang.

 _ **/**_

"Alright, drop it," a deep menacing voice demanded as Tex's firearm pressed against the back of Yates' helmet.

Yates took another breath.

"Okay okay, here. I'm putting my gun down, see?" Yates said as she slowly lowered her sidearm to the floor.

"Turn around," the voice commanded, Yates complied, the muzzle of Tex's gun was now inches away from her face.

"Any last words?" Tex asked.

Yates smirked, "Ya got me," she said before quickly side-rolling into the nearby kitchen.

Before Tex could even react a sudden explosion sent her flying back, her jet black-armored body making a loud _clang,_ as she smashed into the metal wall behind her.

Yates slowly and cautiously came out from the kitchen, Tex lay on the floor, incapacitated. She stared at her body in disbelief, her plan had actually worked. Her stupid fucking plan _actually worked._ As she slowly made her way towards Tex her eyes glanced over the black mark on the floor that her grenade had made when she had discreetly dropped it along with her magnum. Thankfully, Tex hadn't seemed to notice, she had probably been too intent on putting a bullet in her skull. Still, someone would probably have to clean that soot up; Grif most likely.

She kneeled over the downed Freelancer and sighed, _here goes nothing._ She dug her hands under Tex's arms and legs and flipped her over with some difficulty. She searched the back of Tex's helmet and neck, nothing. She grunted in annoyance, where was it?

As she searched, Tex began to stir, "What are you doing?" she asked weakly before slipping back into unconsciousness.

"I'm saving you Tex," Yates replied as she hurriedly continued her search.

"I'm taking Omega out."


	13. Meet

**Chapter 13: Meet**

"Let me get this straight, you're telling me that the guy that showed up here, scared the living shit out of us, shot at Caboose, and beat the hell out of the Reds, wasn't a guy at all? That he was a chick? And, on top of that, she was your ex-girlfriend?" Tucker asked.

"In a nutshell, yes. That's an excellent summary," Church answered.

"Gee, I wonder why you guys broke up, she seems like the perfect girl," I said sarcastically.

"Yeah, I don't think I've seen a girl that mean before. Are you sure she's a chick? And not a guy? Or like, part guy part shark?" Tucker asked.

"I'm pretty sure I'd know if Tex was a guy, and I'm _definitely_ sure I would know if she was part shark," Church responded.

"Wait, oh wait, oh wait. If she's a girl, then why is she named Tex?" Caboose asked.

"Uh... because she's from Texas," Church explained.

"Trust me, it makes sense," Church said defensively. "And you can't blame her for being so aggressive. It's not entirely her fault to begin with."

"Right. You should blame God. First he makes hangovers, and now, half women, half sharks that won't even sleep with me. Thanks for nothing, God!" Tucker shouted.

"Will you shut up with that?" Church snapped in an annoyed tone, "She got recruited into some kind of weird experimental program back during basic where they infused her armor with this _really_ aggressive A.I. I'm not really sure how it all works, but all I know is it made her meaner and tougher than hell."

"No kidding," I murmured.

"A.I... what's the A stand for?" Caboose asked.

"Artificial," Church replied.

"What's the I-" Caboose started.

"Intelligence," Church interrupted, already knowing what the question was gonna be.

"Oooooh, what was the A again?" Caboose asked.

"Let's move on," Church said.

"So, the military put this program in her head, and that program made her a killer, but underneath it all she's really just a sweet, down-home girl?" Tucker asked.

"Oh _hell_ no, she's always been a rotten bitch. It's just _now_ she's a rotten bitch with cybernetic enhancements," Church explained.

"Wow. Sounds like you really won the lottery with that one. Good catch there, buddy. She's a keeper," Tucker said sarcastically.

"I guess assholes just attract naturally," I joked.

"So how're you doing, Caboose? Are you following any of this whatsoever?" Church asked.

"I think so... that guy Tex is really a robot, and you're his boyfriend. So that makes you... a gay robot!" Caboose concluded.

Church sighed, "Yeah... that's right... I'm a gay robot."

"Good to see you finally coming out of the closet, Church," I said mockingly.

 _ **/**_

Tex's head hurt like a bitch.

Scratch that, her whole body hurt like a bitch.

She slowly opened her eyes, a flashing red warning label in front of her indicated that her armor had suffered extensive damage. She angrily pressed a button on the side of her helmet, which wiped the annoying alert from her visor, allowing her to see her surroundings more clearly. She was still in Red Base, the room she was in had metal walls and a concrete ceiling with some sort of big hole in the middle of it, which she assumed was for quick access into the base from the top.

She looked to her left and noticed a brown-armored soldier aiming his rifle straight at her head, ensuring she didn't try anything. In the center of the room a red soldier was talking with the orange one she had knocked out and the maroon one who had fainted.

"We need to get Donut air lifted out of here, sir," the maroon soldier said to the red one.

"Can you put that in a memo and entitle it 'shit I already know'?" the red soldier barked, "Get on the phone with command!" he ordered; Tex could only assume this "Donut" had been the one she had stuck the grenade to.

That was when Tex notice that the beige bitch who had snuck a live grenade along with her pistol wasn't in the room with them. Tex growled as she remembered the encounter with her; she had been under the impression that every sim trooper the Director had recruited were all idiots but somehow the beige one had pulled one hell of a clever trick on her. Tex made a note to get back at her later as she picked herself up off the floor.

"Well, look who's up. Rise 'n' shine, buttercup," the red soldier said mockingly.

Tex opened her mouth to retort but instead of words a distorted, glitchy mess came out. Tex grunted in annoyance and flipped a switch at the base of her helmet. "Aw man, you broke my voice modifier. You cockbiting fucktards!" she said in her normal voice.

"Aha! I knew it! Only a chick could give me a headache this big!" the orange one exclaimed.

"Hey, I'll give you a _real_ fucking headache if you want," the beige one said as she stepped into the room from the hallway.

The orange one snorted, apparently not taking her threat seriously, "Yeah, right. What're you gonna do? Punch me?"

The beige one stood silent for a second before raising her fist and taking a quick step towards the orange one, causing him to reel back, "Ahh! Not in the face!" he yelled fearfully.

The beige one brought her fist down and relaxed, satisfied with herself.

Maybe Tex wouldn't kill her after all.

 _ **/**_

"Well don't worry because I have a great plan for how we're gonna rescue Tex," Church said.

I scoffed, "Yeah, cause your last plan went _so_ well didn't it?"

"A plan? Oh, man, I hate plans. That means we're gonna have to do stuff. Can't we just have a strategy or a ..mission statement?" Tucker asked nervously.

"I just need you guys to run a distraction, while I spring Tex," Church explained.

"Distraction? Heh. That sounds a lot like "decoy"," Caboose pointed out.

"The way I see it, the Reds have absolutely no idea how many Freelancers we have out here. So all I need from the three of you is to run around in the middle of the canyon, wearing black armor, while I sneak in the back of the base," Church continued, ignoring Caboose.

"Sounds good. But Church, where the hell are we gonna get three suits of black armor?" Tucker asked.

Church silently looked towards the teleporter, Tucker followed his gaze and slowly realized what Church meant.

"Oh fuckberries."

 _ **/**_

A few moments later Tucker appeared at the exit of the teleporter, sporting his temporary black-colored armor.

"Are you okay Tucker?" Church asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Tucker responded before turning around and running to the top of a hill.

"Come on, Caboose!" Tucker yelled towards Blue Base.

"Does it hurt?!" Caboose yelled back.

"No, not at all!" Tucker replied.

"Okay..." Caboose responded apprehensively.

Caboose turned and looked at me, "Do _you_ think it'll hurt?" he said shakily.

"Uhm... no, not at all!" I said reassuringly. I hoped Caboose would forgive me for lying to him.

Seemingly put at ease, Caboose turned back towards the teleporter and ran into it, disappearing for just enough time for Church and Tucker to have a short conversation.

"Does it hurt for real?" Church asked.

"Ooooh yeah, _big time_ ," Tucker responded.

"Owwwchie," Caboose said as he appeared through the teleporter, now with black armor as well.

Caboose turned to Tucker, "You lied to me."

The "ghost" of Church vanished for a second before reappearing beside me.

"Alright Shepard, your turn," Church said with a hint of slyness in his voice.

I looked toward the teleporter, then at the black-colored Caboose and Tucker, who were waiting for us.

"Yeah... no," I said flatly.

"Wh- _no_?" Church sputtered.

"Nope, I'm not going through it," I repeated.

Church snickered, "What? Are you scared? Would it help if I held your hand?" he asked condescendingly.

I sighed, "Church... _I don't like you._ I'll do whatever I can to help but I'm not gonna purposefully injure myself further just so you can save your ex-girlfriend."

"Wh- I- are you forgetting who the rookie is in this situation? You're going through that teleporter, that's an order!" Church yelled.

"Gee, you know, that's a good question. Who _is_ the rookie in this situation _Private_ Church?" I asked sharply.

"Oh, you're gonna pull rank on me now huh?" Church chuckled before putting on a more cheery demeanor, "Alright, you know what? _Fine._ You don't have to _want_ to do _anything_ , I'll just possess you and _make_ you go through the teleporter."

"Oh... shit, I didn't think of that," I realized.

"Don't worry rookie, I'll make sure it hurts as _much_ as possible," Church snickered deviously before vanishing.

I shut my eyes and prepared for the worst but surprisingly I still felt completely normal; I opened my eyes and looked around. Yup, still on top of the base. I looked around for Church before I heard him strain as he reappeared before me.

"What in the- why can't I possess you?" Church asked, genuinely confused.

"Maybe you should take me out to dinner first," I replied sarcastically.

In all honesty, I didn't know _why_ Church wasn't able to possess me, _maybe it's because I'm from the real world?_

Regardless, I hopped off the top of the base with my weapons in tow and made my way toward Tucker and Caboose while Church pondered as to why his possession powers hadn't worked.

"What happened?" Tucker asked.

" _Somebody_ bitched out," Church said as he reappeared beside us.

"Wow dude, really? Way to chicken out," Tucker gibbed.

"Oh, don't start with that," I snapped.

"Hey, I have a question, why do we need to be in black armor?" I asked.

"To distract the Reds, dumbass," Church replied in an annoyed tone.

"Exactly, so why do we _need_ to be in black armor? Wouldn't it be enough of a distraction if we just attacked looking like ourselves?" I explained.

"That's... actually a good point, why _do_ we need to be in black armor Church?" Tucker asked.

"Uh, well... um... y'see... uh," Church stuttered.

"Yeah, that's what I thought," I said as I turned around and began to walk up towards my position on the cliff.

 _ **/**_

Yates sat at the edge of the base, her beige-armored legs dangling freely off the side, as she scanned Blood Gulch for the Blues, who she knew would be attacking any second now. Sarge and Lopez stood near her, doing god knows what while Grif and Simmons argued about the pronunciation of "both" downstairs.

Finally, she noticed Tucker come out of the exit of the teleporter, now completely covered with "black stuff" he ran to the top of the cliff and shouted something before Caboose appeared at the exit not too many seconds after, now also covered with "black stuff". After that they just... stood there for a moment, looking towards Blue Base before the green-armored soldier from before ran up to join them.

Yates' eyes widened behind her visor, she couldn't believe what she was seeing, the green soldier had _survived._ She watched closely as the Blues talked for a while before the green soldier started up the cliff while Tucker and Caboose began to make their way towards Red Base. She assumed the green soldier would be on the cliff, surveying Red Base while Caboose and Tucker distracted the Reds. That meant the green soldier would be on the cliff. Alone.

Which meant if she could get to where he was she might finally be able to figure out what the fuck is going on.

"Ah, dammit. Lopez, c'mere. Do you see something out there?" Sarge asked, finally taking notice of Caboose and Tucker.

"It looks like there's more Special Ops coming," Yates said as she picked herself up, "Maybe there's a sniper on the cliff and these guys are just here to distract us, I'd better go check," Yates said hurriedly before walking towards the ramp.

"Woah, woah, woah, hold it right there ma'am," Sarge ordered.

Yates groaned, _goddammit._

"You can't just go running off like that undefended, maybe you should take Simmons or Lopez with you for protection," Sarge said.

"Undefen- oh _for god's sake,_ would you quit patronizing me? Need I remind you that I saved Donut from the Blues and took out that Special Ops girl who beat the shit out of Simmons and Grif? That's more than I've seen any of you do since I've been here!" Yates spat.

" _Excuse_ me?" Sarge growled, "I'll have you know that I've led several successful military operations against the Blues since my deployment here!"

"Oh yeah? Name _one._ " Yates challenged.

"Well... uh... um... well, there was that one- wait no... uh... okay maybe you raise a good point," Sarge conceded.

"Soo... I can go then?" Yates asked.

Sarge grumbled, "Fine."

"Thanks, I'll be back soon," Yates said before taking off down the ramp towards the cliffs.

Sarge sighed, "You know Lopez, lately it feels like my whole world's being turned upside down."

Lopez remained silent as always.

 _ **/**_

"I said, just keep movin-" Church started.

"I'm not yelling, I'm just telling you to let me finish talking to Church. ...No, I'll tell him you said "hi" later. No, you can't talk to him. How could you possibly talk to him on _my_ headset?" Tucker argued with Caboose over the radio, not hearing Church.

Church grunted and turned his radio off, " _Please_ tell me you remembered the plan," Church said.

I sighed, "I stay here, recon with the sniper rifle, and start shooting if things start looking bad for Tex, Tucker or Caboose," I echoed what Church had told me earlier.

"Finally, someone who actually listens to orders... well _sometimes_ anyway," Church said.

"Aw, I think you're _finally_ starting to warm up to me, Church," I teased.

"Can it, shitbird," Church retorted, "I can't believe I actually died for this war," he mumbled angrily before disappearing.

I sighed before dropping the sniper rifle and sitting down with my back against the cliff, I knew the plan would work and Tex would be freed with or without my help anyway, so I took the opportunity to have a little R&R. Well, as much R&R as one could get when you're stuck in power armor and the blazing sun is beating down on you.

As I began to doze off I couldn't help but feel like someone was watching me, I began to chalk it up to my overactive imagination before I heard a twig snap beside me. My eyes shot open as I quickly grabbed the sniper rifle and aimed it towards the source of the noise.

The beige soldier from before stood in front of me.

We locked eyes- er... _visors_ for a moment before the beige soldier groaned, "Seriously? Why the fuck is there a twig out here? There isn't a tree for miles!" a female voice spoke out through the beige soldier's helmet.


	14. Greet

**Chapter 14: Greet**

"Who are you?!" I demanded, aiming the sniper rifle in my palms at the beige soldier's head.

"Funny, I was going to ask you the same thing," the beige soldier replied.

"How fucking convenient," I replied sarcastically, "I'm not going to ask you again. Who. The hell. Are you?" I repeated.

"Well, _someone's_ in a bad mood," the beige soldier extended her hand, "Private Yates, recently deployed rookie and confused as all hell."

 _Wait a minute, she's a rookie? That could mean..._

"Are you from the real world?" I asked her, but not before realizing how dumb that question sounded out loud.

Yates breathed a sigh of relief, "I thought you'd never ask."

I immediately relaxed, "Oh thank Christ," I quickly dropped the sniper rifle to the ground.

"Do you have _any_ idea what the fuck is going on?" Yates asked desperately.

"Um... maybe?" I said hesitantly, remembering the dream I had earlier, "I don't know... it's a _long_ story and I don't think we have much time to talk," the sound of a sniper shot echoed through the canyon followed by Church shouting angrily.

"Shit, you're right," Yates realized, "Okay, here's the plan: we'll meet back on this cliff tonight while everyone's asleep, compare notes and try to figure out what's going on and why we're here, how's that sound?" she asked.

I glanced to my left and spotted three black-armored soldiers running back towards Blue Base, "Fine by me, I'd better get going," I said before picking up the sniper rifle and heading down the cliff.

"And try not to get blown up again!" Yates exclaimed as I started down the cliff.

I couldn't help but smile at Yates' comment as I ran to meet up with the others. _I can't believe it, there's someone else in the same situation I'm in, someone from the real world,_ I almost couldn't wait until nightfall.

Apparently, Tucker noticed the spring in my step as I ran up to join them, "What're you so happy about?" he asked.

"Church died again," I beamed.

 _ **/**_

Yates practically skipped down the cliff she was so happy. Someone else- someone else from _the real world_ __was in Blood Gultch. True he was on the opposite team, but that little factor didn't affect her joy. Her happiness, however, quickly subsided when she saw Grif and Simmons standing over the body of Sarge. She had been so preoccupied thinking about the green soldier she had forgotten that Sarge had just gotten _shot._ In the head no less.

Grif beat on Sarge's chest with the butt of his shotgun, trying to revive him with CPR. Yates couldn't help but roll her eyes, of course she knew Sarge would survive, but something inside her told her she shouldn't just stand idly while Grif attempted to give improper treatment to his unconscious sergeant.

"What are you guys doing?" Yates asked as she ran up to the other Reds.

"Sarge got shot," Grif responded flatly in a tone that was abnormally urgent for the orange soldier.

"So you're giving him CPR? _With a shotgun?_ " Yates asked confusedly.

"Hey, if you have a better way to revive him, I'm all ears," Grif replied.

Yates sighed, _why am I doing this?_

"Don't you guys have like a... medkit or a field kit or something in the base?" Yates asked.

"Ask Simmons, he's basically memorized the entire base," Grif said.

Yates turned to Simmons, who had been watching the conversation play out, "Well?"

"U-um w-well what?" Simmons stuttered.

" _Do we have a medkit?!_ " Yates asked in a tone that was unintentionally a little too cross.

Simmons winced slightly, "Y-yes," he answered as if he was being held hostage.

" _Then get me one!_ " Yates commanded.

"O-okay," Simmons took a couple steps toward the base before he stopped in his tracks and turned to face Yates once more, "Uh, which one though? The one in the kitchen? The one under the sink? The one behind the bathroom mirror? The one-"

"Just get me _a_ medkit!" Yates demanded.

"O-okay!" Simmons squeaked fearfully before running into the base.

Yates turned her attention to Grif, "Grif, take his helmet off."

Grif didn't seem to hear her, instead he continued to beat on Sarge's chest.

"Grif? Grif!" Yates shouted, trying to grab his attention.

Grif didn't respond.

Yates groaned, "Forget it," she said, moving to remove Sarge's helmet herself.

 _ **/**_

The first words Sarge heard as he came to were Grif gleefully shouting, "We did it! We saved Sarge!"

What had happened? Sarge wondered. The last thing he remembered was a loud bang, then he was in the afterlife, then some weird angel wanted 10 bucks from him to get into Heaven. The whole situation just made his head hurt more than it already did. Speaking of his head why did it feel so funny? It was at that moment that Sarge realized his helmet was gone.

He went to move his hand up to his temple before another red-armored hand gripped it, "Woah there, take it easy," the voice of Private Yates said.

Weird, he didn't remember Yates having red armor. That's when Sarge realized it wasn't her armor that was red, it the was the blood covering said armor.

"You're quite the lucky guy, Sarge. The bullet grazed your temple and left a pretty nasty gash but had the bullet gone even a little bit to the left... well, let's just say I'm not sure I would've been able to save you," Yates explained.

"Wha- shot? What're you on about? What happened? And where's my helmet gone?" Sarge asked.

"You were shot in the head, sir! But the rookie here managed to stitch you up and save you! Oh, and here's your helmet," Simmons chirped, clearly happy to see his leader okay. He handed his commander his red-colored helmet with his left hand, the right gripping a slightly bloodied medpack.

"Ah, I see," Sarge grabbed his helmet and slipped it on as he stood up, "Well... um... thank you, Private Yates. Uh... I didn't realize you were a doctor."

Yates let out an uneasy chuckle, "Well... um... not exactly."

"What do you mean?" Grif questioned.

"I-I'm...actually not a doctor, I'm a veterinarian. But you know, tomato tomahto," Yates let out another nervous laugh.

"Er, I'm gonna go wash myself off," Yates said, wishing to escape the stares of shock of the other team members.

 _ **/**_

 **Kind of a short chapter this time guys, sorry about that. Next one's coming real soon, though.**


	15. Alone

**Chapter 15: Alone**

"Dude, this is sweet! Command was so happy that I got the Blue flag, they gave me my own color armor!" Donut exclaimed, proudly showing off his new armor to his three teammates.

The three soldiers, Grif, Simmons and Yates, exchanged a few confused glances before Grif finally spoke up.

"Um... hey, Donut?"

"What?" Donut responded.

"Um, about your armor..." Simmons started.

"What about it?" Donut asked.

"How do I put this... it's a little... uh..."

"It's just a little bit, uh... just a bit... _you know_ ," Yates' voice faltered.

"Yeah, it's a little um... you wanna help me out here Grif?" Simmons asked.

"It's _pink._ Your armor is freaking _pink_ ," Grif blurted, revealing what everyone else was thinking.

"Pink? My armor's not pink!" Donut denied.

" _Pink,_ " Grif asserted.

"Yeah, definitely pink," Simmons repeated.

"Well... I wouldn't call it pink _per se_... but... nah, yeah, it's pink," Yates conceded.

"You guys are color-blind. Why would they give me pink armor?" Donut asked.

"Hey, don't ask, don't tell," Grif joked before erupting in laughter.

Despite the poor taste of that joke Yates couldn't help but let out a small giggle herself.

"Heh, that's not funny," Simmons said, struggling to talk in between his own laughter.

"It's a _little_ funny," Grif chuckled.

"Look at it, it's not pink. It's like, uh.. a 'lightish-red'," Donut said.

"Guess what? They already have a color for lightish-red. You know what it's called? _Pink,_ " Grif said flatly.

"I hate you guys..."

"Well hello, _dirtbags_ ," Sarge greeted, appearing at the top of the ramp with Lopez in tow. He began to make his way towards his fellow teammates before his eyes fell on Donut.

"And, a fine hello to you madam," Sarge teased, "I wasn't aware command had sent us another female soldier."

"It's _light_ red," Donut repeated.

"Don't get your panties in a wad there, Barbie. Do you have a package for me?"

"Does he have _any_ package whatsoever now?" Yates murmured just loudly enough for Grif and Simmons to hear. Yates smiled to herself as the sounds of stifled laughter emanated from the orange and maroon soldier's helmets.

"Yes sir," Donut answered.

"Excellent," Sarge said.

Donut produced a purple, almost gun-like, device, with a blue holographic "barrel" and light purple fluorescent lights which trailed across the length of said device, "They said this speech unit should work with Lopez."

"Speech unit?" Grif questioned.

"Here you go," Donut said, handing the device over to his Sargent.

"Affirmative," Sarge replied, "Command was fresh out of speech modules when I started building Lopez, but once I get this baby installed, I'll finally have someone intelligent to talk to. ...No offense, Simmons... and Yates."

 _Wait, what?_ Yates thought, surprised at the inclusion of her name.

"Oh, don't worry, I know who you meant, sir," Simmons reassured.

"Wait, Lopez is a robot?" Grif asked surprisedly.

"Of course he is. You didn't notice that he never talks?" Simmons asked incredulously.

"I just thought he was a really quiet guy..."

"And the fact that he sleeps standing up and drinks motor oil didn't get your attention?" Sarge asked, clearly bemused.

"Well I-I did think the motor oil thing was a bit odd... Uh, I just thought he was trying to impress me," Grif answered.

"Why would he be trying to impress you _by drinking motor oil_?" Yates asked.

"I-I don't know! Get off my back, sheesh," Grif snapped.

"You're not very keen, are you?" Yates teased.

"...shut up," Grif replied in an embarrassed tone.

"Hey, sir. You really should ground yourself before handling that card," Simmons warned.

"How come?" Sarge asked.

"Because static could damage the card."

"Come on. That's an urban legend they use to sell those stupid bracelets," the other soldiers collectively gave each other bewildered stares.

"And I suppose Pop Rocks and soda's gonna make my stomach blow up!" Sarge taunted before jamming the card into a port on Lopez's back. A huge spark subsequently flew out of the port, shocking Sarge and making him yelp in pain.

"Sir. I won't say I told you so, sir," Simmons affirmed.

"Good. I'd hate to make Strawberry Shortcake here my new favorite Private."

"It's not pink! It's lightish-red!" Donut whined loudly.

Yates rolled her eyes under her helmet, she started to wish she had been put on Blue Team instead.

 _ **/**_

My hands ached, I started to wish I had been put on Red Team instead.

Caboose and me had just finished scraping the black stuff off of Tucker's armor, "Man, you know, this stuff does not come off easy?" Caboose panted.

"Yeah, this was a lot easier when we were cleaning just _my_ armor," Tucker said.

"Yeah, I know th-that's I think because you know, uh, _you didn't do anything!_ " Caboose growled.

"I'm sorry, what? It's kind of hard to hear you over the sound of your constant team-killing," Tucker retorted.

"Ah, ah, aaahhhh ha ha ha ha ah yeah, ah yeah aha, ahhhhhhhhhhhhh...," Caboose laughed maniacally, "Don't make me mad," he warned.

I groaned, rubbing my sore hands in pain, "Remind me why _I_ have to do this again?"

"Because you didn't do anything on the rescue mission," Tucker answered.

"What? Yes I did! I kept watch!" I argued, even though I knew that was the exact opposite of what I did.

" _No,_ you didn't, you took a nap. The cliffs aren't that high, dude. I could see you."

I felt my face go immediately pale, "Oh... um, you didn't happen to see anything else did you?"

"What? Of course not! I was trying not to get shot by the Reds! What do you think I'm some creeper who just watches people sleep all day?"

"Uh... no, of course not!" I responded nervously. I mentally sighed, thankful he hadn't seen me talking to Yates.

"Wait... what _would_ I have seen if I kept watching?" Tucker asked.

" _Nothing,_ " I responded a little too quickly.

"Sure doesn't _sound_ like nothing," Tucker paused to think for a bit, "Wait... _ohhh_ , I see," Tucker chuckled.

"Wh-what? What do you see?" I asked apprehensively, had my cover been blown?

"Hey dude, I'm not one to judge you for having a little 'alone time'," Tucker responded.

"Wait, what? Nononono that wasn't what-"

"Just how about next time you... 'do the deed' you do it in a place where everyone _can't_ see you."

" _Tucker_ , I wasn't-"

"Unless that's like... your _thing_ or whatever."

There was a moment of awkward silence, "Welp, I think it's about time I had a little 'alone time' myself if you know what I'm saying, bow chicka bow wow," Tucker said before running off to... wherever "alone time" happened.

"I don't get it... what is 'alone time'?" Caboose asked.

"Let's uh... just get to cleaning your armor, okay?" I said.

 _Yup, definitely starting to wish I had been put on Red Team._

 _ **/**_

"So, what happened to me anyway? I recall something about a spider on my head?" Donut asked.

"Right, that was a grenade," Grif answered.

"And the last thing I remember... is a loud bang... and then Simmons fainting..." Donut recounted.

"Ha! Told you so!" Grif exclaimed.

"I did _not_ faint," Simmons argued.

"Right, cause I'm sure when you said, and I quote, 'Eek, I'm gonna faint' you meant something completely different, gotcha," Yates teased.

Simmons moved his head down, embarrassed.

"Done and done!" Sarge proclaimed, stepping back to admire his work.

"Lopez, activate speech unit!" Sarge commanded.

Yates sighed, _woo boy, here we go._

There was a click, then Lopez began to speak, "Buenos días. Y gracias da por activar mi función del discurso. Soy el número de modelo cero uno cero uno uno tres cuatro ocho ocho dos tres."

"Am I the only one not understanding any of this?" Donut asked.

"Me llamo López," Lopez droned.

"Lopez, he just said Lopez! I understood that. I can speak Spanish!" Grif gasped.

"Lopez is his _name_ , dumbass," Yates pointed out.

"Lopez, speak English," Sarge ordered.

"Mi procesador Inglés ha mal funcionado. Sé habla solamente español," Lopez answered.

"Huh, I think you shorted out his speech unit with that static, sir," Simmons said.

"Maybe Princess Peach here picked up the wrong model," Sarge retorted.

"Seriously, dude. For the last time: Not pink," Donut asserted.

"Lopez. I order you to speak a language we understand," Sarge barked.

"Negativo," Lopez replied.

"Well this is just dandy," Sarge grumbled, "Hey, Private Yates? You wouldn't also just so happen to be a Mexican ambassador, would you?"

"Hmm, not last time I checked, no, sir," Yates joked.

Sarge grunted, "Drat the luck... Lopez, how - do - we - fix - your - speech - u - nit?"

"Why are you talking so slow? He understands us just fine. Maybe you should try listening slower," Grif said.

"Lopez, would you like to shoot Grif?" Sarge asked.

"Sí señor. Gracias," Lopez responded as he raised his rifle.

"I call next," Yates said half-jokingly.


	16. Counseling

**Chapter 16: Counseling**

Night couldn't come sooner, I decided.

"As far as I'm concerned, I'm square with you," Tex said.

I groaned, this back-and-forth between Church and Tex had been going on for what felt like hours.

" _I saved you from a life of imprisonment,_ how the hell are _you_ square with _me_?" Church argued.

It felt like I was watching a couple's therapy session.

"Because _I_ didn't kill you back at Sidewinder."

A very odd couple's therapy session.

"You know, I don't really see how not killing somebody is the same thing as doing them a favor."

"Well, if you don't appreciate it, I could just kill you right now," Tex threatened.

"No, you can't! I'm already dead, bitch! I guess the joke's on you!" Church taunted.

"Stop it!" Caboose blurted suddenly, causing everyone to shift their attention to him, "Stop fighting! _Can't you see that you're tearing us apart?_ What about us?!"

 _Oh great, now it feels like I'm watching a crappy soap opera._

"What _about_ you?" Tex asked.

"We helped you too. And what do we get? Nothing!" Caboose cried in an extremely melodramatic tone.

"Well _yeah_ , but..."

"Yeah, but _nothin'_. He's got a point," Church said.

"I _did_ help them get the flag back," Tex pointed out.

"Yeah, but you were _paid_ to do that. We rescued you as a favor. We could have just let you rot in the Red Army prison, it wouldn't have made any difference to us," Tucker argued.

"Starting to wish we _had,_ to be honest," I quietly mumbled.

"Fine," Tex conceded, "I'll stay here as long as it takes to help you guys win this thing. As soon as I have, I'm outta here. What do you need me to do?"

"I have no idea. If you knew how to fix a tank, I would have you do that," Tucker said.

"Okay," Tex responded nonchalantly.

"Wait, you-you know how to fix Sheila? ...I love you," Caboose praised.

"Yeesh Caboose, jumping the gun a bit don't you think? At least ask her out first," I joked.

 _ **/**_

"Entonces le decía "tu no pesas más, yo peso más." Entonces pusimos nuestros cuerpos sobre la escala y determinamos quién tenía el peso más grande. Después de eso me llamé a mi mismo López el Pesado," Lopez spieled.

"Man. First he doesn't talk at all, and now we can't get him to shut up," Grif complained.

"Tell me about it," Yates agreed as she rubbed her temples to alleviate the massive headache Lopez's constant monotone droning had given her.

"What's he saying?" Grif asked Simmons.

"Why are you asking _me_?" Simmons asked.

"Well, you know... it- because you're of a... a _Latino persuasion_ ," Grif said awkwardly.

Yates cringed.

"Simmons isn't a Spanish name, you dumbass, I'm Dutch-Irish," Simmons replied in a huff.

"But I thought..."

"What?"

"Eh, nevermind. What about Yates? Is Yates a Spanish name?" Grif asked, turning his attention to Yates.

Yates rolled her eyes, "No Grif, Yates is not a Spanish name."

"What kind of name is it then?" Grif asked.

"Well, it's origin is Anglo-Saxton but these days it's mostly considered an English or Irish-"

"Wait, I _just_ realized I don't care," Grif interjected, before turning away from Yates.

Yates scoffed, "Dick..." she grumbled.

There was a moment of awkward silence.

"I'm from Iowa!" Donut exclaimed.

"Nobody cares!" the other soldiers snapped.

 _ **/**_

The five of us, Church, Tucker, Caboose, Tex and I, approached the flipped over and damaged Shiela. Tex made her way over to her, while Church addressed the rest of us.

"Okay, take it easy guys. When I was over at the Red Base, I saw that they've already got their jeep fixed. So whatever you do, don't let 'em see us before we get Sheila back online," Church warned.

"Aye aye, captain," I replied sarcastically.

"Okay, okay. Even if we get Sheila fixed, how are we going to turn her over? I mean it's not as if we could just _lift_ -" Caboose started before Tex immediately flipped Sheila over easily.

"Oh, she is a very strong lady," Caboose said.

"Yeah, 'cause I'm sure the Reds won't see or hear _that_ ," I pointed out.

"I'm the one that's the least visible, so I'm gonna head up here to higher ground. I'll keep an eye on the Red Base. If I see anything, I'll let you know," Church said.

"Great! I'll come with you!" Caboose exclaimed.

"That kinda defeats the purpose, Caboose."

"Okay. What if I'm really... really... quiet?" Caboose whispered.

"Do you even understand what the term 'visibility' means?"

Caboose laughed, "Good one, Church."

"Seriously. You don't know what it means, do you?"

"Uh, no..." Caboose answered embarrassedly.

Church groaned, "Caboose, _just stay here_ , man." Church turned to me, "And make sure he doesn't swallow his tongue or anything, would you?" he said before making his way up the cliff.

I sighed, "Babysitting duty, great."

"Just watch the Red Base, and tell us if you see any movement," Tucker said.

"Okay!" Caboose obeyed before turning around, running up a hill and facing...

I rolled my eyes, "Caboose! _Red_ Base!" I shouted as I ran after him.

"Oh, right! I knew that, I just got turned around that's all!" Caboose said, turning around to face the right direction.

"Christ, man. How the hell do you get dressed in the morning?" I asked.

Caboose's only response was a hearty chuckle, "Good one, Shepard."

"Oh! By the way there's something I need to tell you!" Caboose said with a sudden sense of urgency that quite honestly caught me a little off guard.

"Um... okay, what is it?" I asked.

"Well... y'see..." Caboose paused and seemed to struggle to find the correct words, "I just wanted to say..."

"Hey assholes!" Church shouted from the top of the cliff, everyone stopped what they were doing and put their attention on him.

"What the hell is my body still doing up here?!" Church asked angrily.

"That's part of being dead, Church. Your body doesn't really move around much anymore. Maybe you haven't fully grasped the concept yet." Tucker replied.

"Alright, well let me rephrase that then: Why in the hell haven't you buried my body yet?"

"Buried? With what? All we have are pistols and rifles. What do you want me to do, shoot you a grave?"

"To be fair I _did_ say, 'if you die, don't expect me to bury you'," I said.

"What?! No, you didn't! _I_ told _you_ that..." Church responded before quickly realizing his screw up. "Um, I mean... what kind of monster would ever say such a... a... _dastardly_ thing to a person?" Church lied unconvincingly.

I smirked, "Mhm, you'd have to be a _real_ asshole to say something like that, huh?"


	17. Over

**Chapter 17: Over**

It was almost over, soon it would be time.

Yates was sitting at the edge of Red Base once again. As she stared into the canyon before her she began to think about her soon-to-be meeting with the green soldier. Yates cursed herself for not asking him his name while she had the chance, but there would be plenty of time to ask tonight. Yates sighed as she looked toward Grif and Simmons, who stood only a few feet away from her.

The two were silent, until they began that unforgettable conversation.

"Hey."

"Yeah?"

"Do you ever wonder why were here?"

 _ **/**_

The cobalt-armored body of Church lay before us, sprawled on the ground. Streaks of black soot trailed across the corpse in deep contrast to the armor's light blue color.

"I am not happy about this," Church seethed.

"Wow, you're _not happy_ about something? Someone call the fucking presses," I quipped.

"Fuck you," was Church's only response.

"I have an idea," Caboose said.

Nobody responded, " _I have an idea!_ " Caboose repeated, louder this time.

"Yeah, we heard you the first time Caboose, we were just ignoring you," Tucker said flatly.

"Since you possessed that red guy, and took control of _him_ , why don't you just possess your own body?" Caboose said.

Church scoffed, "Oh I see, so that way I would be living inside of my own dead body."

"Yes!" Caboose responded enthusiastically, clearly not seeing Church's point.

"Unable to move, just laying there, rotting in the sun for all eternity."

"Yes!"

"Okay Caboose, I'll be sure to get on that," Church said sarcastically.

Caboose sniffled, "I think you are a mean ghost."

"Y'know, the thought of you being inside of your own dead body, unable to move or talk, sounds far more appealing to me than I first thought," I said.

"Hey, Shepard? You ever get tired of being a smug prick all the time?" Church asked condescendingly.

I shrugged, "Not really."

"Dude you really stink," Tucker said.

Church slowly turned to him, " _What?_ " he fumed.

"Your body, it stinks," Tucker reaffirmed.

Church growled, "Tucker, Shepard, the first chance we get, you are going to bury my body."

I groaned, "Aw, what? What about Caboose?" I asked.

"Trust me, if I was sure he knew what a hole _was_ I'd have him help too," Church answered.

"Quit your bitching, nothing's going to happen to your dumb body," Tucker said.

"It's a freaking indignity! My body fought hard for this army, and it deserves to be laid to rest!" Church yelled angrily.

"Get over it, you're already dead. What's the worst that could happen now?"

"Hey, Church, look!" Caboose exclaimed, gesturing to the sky, "Birds! Why are they flying around in circles?"

Church groaned, "Oh god."

"Hey, Church, why don't you put those superb aiming skills to the test?" I teased.

"Shepard, just shut up for a minute, okay?" he said, in a surprisingly resigned tone.

Church made his way over to the cliff's edge and stared down at Tex, who was still working on the tank, "How long do you figure until Tex fixes the tank?" Church asked Tucker.

"Not much longer. She said it's going pretty well, the gun's almost working, then she'll get it moving again." Tucker replied.

"Oh, that's just _fantastic_ ," Church grumbled sarcastically.

"Why would that upset you?" Tucker asked.

"Y'know, I'd make another joke about Church's anger issues, but I think I've burned myself out for today," I said.

"Because as soon as she gets the tank online, she's gonna use it against the Reds, and they're all gonna die," Church explained, ignoring me.

"The Reds dying is a _good_ thing," Tucker pointed out.

"No, Tucker, it's _not_ a good thing. As soon as we beat the Reds, Tex is outta here. And I still haven't figured out a way to get that A.I. out of her head."

"A.I..." Caboose started.

"Shut up, Caboose," Church said, shushing Caboose.

Looking towards Caboose I noticed that he had somehow managed to get his hands on a sniper rifle, I made a mental note to keep my head down.

Church got back to the topic at hand, "And if I don't get it out before she leaves..."

"If she leaves you won't ever find her again," Tucker said as he slowly realized Church's reasoning.

"Right."

"So what're you gonna do?"

"I guess I'm gonna do the only thing that I can do. I have to warn the Reds before she fixes the tank."

"So you're switching sides?"

"Sorry, guys. I don't have much choice." Church apologized, an action which surprised me.

"Church, uh, wh-what happens when the Reds out _here_... stop Tex, and then they come also with guns and they find us?" Caboose asked with growing concern.

Church shrugged, "I'll try to help you as best I can."

"Yeah, that'd certainly be a nice change of pace," I muttered.

"Good luck, guys." Church said before disappearing.

"Does this mean I should try to kill Church now?" Caboose asked.

"I'll tell you what, kill me, I _promise_ not to come back," Tucker said.

I raised my hand, "I call next."

Taking notice of something at Red Base, Caboose raised the sniper rifle in his hands to get a closer look.

"Hey! Look at this!" Caboose yelled excitedly.

"No," Tucker deadpanned.

"They have... _a girl_. They have a girl!" Caboose yelled.

"A _what_?" Tucker asked in disbelief.

 _Wait a minute, how did they manage to figure out Yates is a girl? Oh wait..._

"A girl, a girl! Look! Pink armor!" Caboose exclaimed.

If my helmet wasn't in the way I would've facepalmed so hard just then.

"Or, maybe it's just a guy in pink armor," I suggested.

"What? No way, what kind of weirdo would wear pink armor?" Tucker rebuffed.

I sighed, "A very _eccentric_ weirdo," I murmured.

"Man, I can't believe they get a girl," Tucker complained.

"Uh, you guys realize that I'm a chick, right? And that I'm standin' right here?" Tex said from below.

"Yeah, Tex, but when we say a girl, we mean a girl-girl," Tucker said absentmindedly.

"And what the hell does that mean?" Tex raged.

"Nothing!" Tucker and Caboose said frightfully.

I made my way over to the cliff's edge, "Just so your aware,I am _not_ affiliated with these two! Seriously! I don't even _like_ them! Uh, and I also think you _are_ a girl-girl and _not_ a half-shark monster!" I shouted down at Tex, hoping to clear the air.

"A half- _what_?!" Tex growled.

"Nothing!" I said quickly, retreating out of Tex's view.

"Wait a second, if Tex heard us talking about the girl, do you think she heard Church's secret plan to warn the Reds about her?" Tucker asked.

"I don't know... but I think I know how to find out," Caboose said before making his way over to the cliff's edge once more.

"Hey! Tex! Uh... did you hear Church's secret plan to tell the Reds that you were fixing the tank?" Caboose asked.

Tex silently stared at Caboose for a second before going back to fixing the tank.

"I don't think she knows," Caboose said.

"Smooth, dude. _Real_ smooth," I said sarcastically.

 _ **/**_

"No, I never, _ever_ , wonder why were here. Semper Fi, bitch," Grif responded bitterly.

Lopez made an odd noise behind them as Church possessed him, Yates stood up and looked towards her brown-armored teammate along with Grif and Simmons.

"What? What's wrong with Lopez?" Simmons asked.

"I don't care," Grif grumbled.

"Hey Lopez, uh... you okay, man?" Simmons inquired.

Yates sighed, _here we go_.

"Aye, muchachos, necesito darles... un aviso..." Church faltered, slowly realizing that the words coming out of his mouth weren't English.

"¿Qué? ¿Por qué estoy hablando en español? ¡Yo no puedo hablar español!"

"Um... sure," Simmons said, perplexed.

"¡No, no, escuchame! ¡La bruja los va a matar! ¡Ella está trabajando en el tanque!"

 _ **/**_

The three of us stood at the cliff doing... well, nothing really, I figured I'd have to get used to standing around doing nothing, though. After all, if my memory was right, it would be a whole three months before Season 2 started. I let out an annoyed sigh as I remembered this. _Three months_. With _them_. It would be a miracle if I could make it through at least _one_ without killing all of them.

I shifted my attention back to the others and noticed Tucker looking over the edge of the cliff.

"Aw, crap. Guys, she's almost done fixing Sheila. I'd better radio Church and tell him what's going on." Tucker said.

"Oh! Oh! Oh! Tucker, please! Please! Tucker! Tucker! Tucker! Tucker, please!" Caboose pleaded.

Tucker sighed, "Yes, you can be the one who radios Church."

"Thanks man," Caboose thanked.

"Great idea, 'cause Caboose has _always_ been able to relay information clearly," I said sarcastically.

"Calling Church. Come in, Church. This is your close, personal friend, Private O'Malley," Caboose spoke into his helmet radio.

"O'Malley? You said your name was Caboose," Tucker said.

"I never said that, you guys did!" Caboose said.

"Why didn't you correct us?" Tucker questioned.

"Because I didn't want to be difficult," Caboose replied in an almost threatening tone before going back to talking to Church.

"Um, don't you find that a little strange?" I asked Tucker.

"Where the hell have you been? Everything _about_ Caboose is strange," Tucker said nonchalantly.

"Touché" I conceded.

"¡Caboose! ¡Nadie aquí está escuchando mí! ¡No mas puedo hablar español!" I heard Church yell over Caboose's radio.

There was a beat before Caboose slowly turned to Tucker, "He says he wants to talk to you."

"Thank you for activating the M8O8V Main Battle Tank," Sheila's soothing voice emanated from the base of the cliff.

"Oh shit, we've got trouble," Tucker said.

I groaned, "When do we ever _not_ have trouble?"

 _ **/**_

"Un tanque... grrrande!" Church struggled to talk in English.

"Wait a second, 'tanque'? Um, guys, I think he's trying to tell us-" Yates started.

"Hey, I think if you're gonna live in this country, you should speak the language." Grif told Lopez, interrupting Yates.

"Target locked," Sheila said in the distance.

"Guys, I really think we should-" Yates said as she inched towards the ramp closest to her.

"What country? Were on an alien planet!" Simmons pointed out.

"What are you, a communist?" Grif asked.

"Oh for fuck's sake! Why does nobody here ever let me finish a senten-?" Yates' voice was cut off by an explosion hitting the side of the base, "Son of a bitch!" Yates shrieked.

"Son of a bitch!" Grif yelled in surprise.

"Son of a bitch!" Simmons echoed.

"¡Madre de dios!" Church exclaimed.

Another explosion hit Red Base before Simmons, Grif and Yates hid behind the ramp.

"Well, this situation certainly feels familiar," Yates commented.

"Simmons! I'm coming around in the Warthog! Get ready to take the gunner position when I come by," Sarge commanded over the radio.

"Roger that," Simmons responded.

"I'll uh... I'll stay here," Grif said meekly.

"Yeah. Stay here, and guard this cement ramp. It's _vital_ to our success," Simmons said sarcastically, "U-um n-no offense to _you_ of course, Yates," Simmons stammered before letting out an awkward laugh.

"Um... none taken, I guess?" Yates replied.

The Warthog skidded to a halt at the base of the ramp, Simmons hopped on the back and the two sped towards the tank.

"Twenty bucks says they don't last more than a minute," Grif said.

Sure enough, about five seconds later, there was a distant explosion before Sarge and Simmons were scuttling up the ramp to take cover.

"Wow, back so soon? You guys win the war _already_?" Grif asked sarcastically.

"Yeah, uh, did you want to finish telling me the plan _now_ , Sarge?" Simmons asked.

"If we survive this, I'm gonna kill both of ya. Slowly," Sarge threatened.

"Permission to help, sir?" Yates joked.

"Permission granted," Sarge replied.

"Uh, hey Simmons? By the way... the ramp is secure," Grif mocked.

"Target locked," Sheila said, before firing another round at the base.

Donut suddenly ran up the ramp opposite of his hiding team and stood in the middle of the roof, paying no mind to the explosions which seemed to only barely miss him.

"Hey, what are you guys doin' up here?!" Donut yelled over the blasts rocking Red Base.

"Oh, you know, just hanging out," Yates replied sarcastically.

"The chick in the black armor's back!" Grif yelled back.

"What chick? The one that stuck the grenade to my head?" Donut asked.

"That's the one," Simmons answered.

"The same chick whose fault it is that I'm stuck in this light red armor?"

"Donut, I understand the need to safeguard your masculinity, but really dude, it's a whole lot faster just to say 'pink'," Grif said.

Donut chuckled maniacally, "Oh, I've been waiting for this," Donut grinned and ran to the edge of the base.

"Hey bitch! Remember me!? I saved somethin' for ya!" Donut yelled before hurling a grenade into the sky.

The grenade flew through the air, soaring almost halfway across the canyon before coming to rest right on it's intended target: the tank's driver canopy.

"Hell yeah! Three points you dirty whore!" Donut gloated.

The grenade exploded, a black-armored body sprawled out of the driver canopy and landed next to the tank.

"¡Dios mío, no!" Church cried before leaping off the top of the base and breaking into a full sprint towards the tank's wreckage.

The four Reds came out of cover and watched as Church ran towards the tank, repeatedly screaming, "¡Tejas!" as he made his way down the canyon.

 _And just like that, Season 1 is done,_ Yates thought.

"Uh, where's Lopez going?" Grif asked.

"To fight the enemy head on, in hand-to-hand combat. Mano e mano. What a brave little compadre. Lopez, I never understood a word you said. But I do know one thing: You hated Grif, and that's the most important thing there is. Adios, amigo... Adios." Sarge eulogized.

Yates rolled her eyes.

"Shouldn't we help him?" Simmons asked.

"Nah, that would just ruin the moment," Sarge said.

"Ugh, remind me never to die in this canyon," Yates said as she turned and made her way into Red Base.

 _ **/**_

"Crap. Church is gonna be pissed," Tucker said.

I sighed, "Yup."

"And now he's got a body to kick our ass. Come on, Caboose, let's get back to base," Tucker said.

"I told you my name's not Caboose..." Caboose answered.

"My name... is... _O'malley_ ," Caboose spoke in a deep, threatening tone.


	18. Apologies

**Chapter 18: Apologies**

The rest of the day following Tex's "death" had been largely uneventful. Mostly it was just Church ranting angrily at us in Spanish after we got back to Blue Base. When he finally accepted that none of us could understand him and just didn't care what he was saying either way, he went up to the base's roof and silently stared into the canyon.

Understandably tuckered out by today's crazy events, it didn't take long after night for everyone else in the base to collapse onto their bunks. But considering the amount of times I had passed out today, I was understandably not very tired. Which was good, I didn't want to accidentally sleep through my meeting.

I peeked my head out the doorway of my room, I scanned the hall before me for signs of the Blues. The hallway was quiet and empty, well... silent besides the sound of raucous snoring coming from Tucker's room. Satisfied that the coast was clear I stepped out of the doorway and made my way down the hall and towards the exit. That is of course before my body collided with that of a certain blue-colored idiot who happened to turn the corner of an adjacent hallway at just the right time.

Grunting as I caught myself from falling, I snapped my head towards Caboose, "Caboose? What the hell are you doing up so late?" I hissed.

"Oh, hi Shepard!" Caboose waved at me in blissful ignorance, having not even flinched at me bumping into him.

I groaned before half-heartedly returning the wave, "Hi Caboose."

We stood in awkward silence for a moment, "Look Caboose, I have to go... _somewhere_ , so what do you want?"

Caboose's shoulders drooped slightly, "Oh, you're leaving?" he asked disappointedly. "I was hoping I could say what I was going to tell you earlier. Back at Sheila's body, remember?"

I let out an annoyed sigh, "Caboose, whatever it is I'm sure it can wait till I get back," I replied as I made my way past him.

"But-" Caboose started before realizing I was already leaving.

 _ **/**_

The full moon hung above Blood Gulch, bathing the boxed canyon in it's silvery light. Yates, or _Private_ Yates as she was being called now, sat on the edge of the cliff where she had met the green soldier earlier today, the place they had agreed to meet to discuss their... dilemma. She fidgeted slightly before taking an impatient glance towards Blue Base. Where was he? She had been waiting on this cliff for over an hour now. Granted they never agreed on an _exact_ time to meet up, but still, he should have been there by now.

 _Had he been caught? Had he somehow forgotten about the meeting entirely and just gone to sleep?_ Just as Yates began to give up hope of the green soldier ever arriving, the sound of footsteps ascending up the cliff caught her attention.

She picked herself up as green soldier reached the top of the cliff, "There you are," Yates said, "You really know how to keep a girl waiting," she teased.

"Yeah, sorry about that, I would've gotten here sooner but I had to check if Church was still awake," the green soldier explained, "It's hard to tell, he sleeps standing up now because of his new body."

"Ah," Yates nodded in understanding, "Well, I didn't have much trouble getting out of Red Base, Grif's snoring masked pretty much any noise I made."

The green soldier chuckled, "Yeah, that's Grif for ya."

"Oh by the way, I forgot to ask your name earlier, what is it?"

"Shepard- I mean," he fumbled, " _Terry_ , my first name's Terry. Sorry, its just that I've gotten used to the others calling me by my last name."

"It's fine," Yates sighed, "It's something were gonna _have_ to get used to, now that were here."

Shepard sighed as well, "Yep, speaking of names um..." Shepard shifted uncomfortably, "I kinda forgot yours," he admitted, "Your name was... Bates? Right?"

Yates giggled, "Close, Yates actually, Emma Yates," she corrected.

"Right, sorry. My memory is kinda fuzzy for some reason," Shepard explained, "So, I guess you want to hear about that dream I mentioned earlier, huh?"

"Yes! But actually, before you do that, could you do me a favor?" Yates asked.

"Sure, so long as it doesn't involve a teleporter," Shepard replied.

"Take off your helmet."

"Um, okay? Why though?" Shepard asked confusedly.

"Because I've been talking to nothing but visorsever since I got here, I've honestly forgotten what the human face looks like at this point," Yates joked.

Shepard shrugged, "Understandable reason," his hands moved up to his helmet, "Just so you know, I'm not exactly the greatest looking guy in the world, especially not after the day I had."

Shepard removed his helmet, under it was an average looking man with a full, scruffy beard covering up the majority of his features. His hazel-colored eyes rested tiredly on the dark circles below them, indicating a haphazard sleep schedule. He had thick, dark brown hair which lay almost completely flat against his scalp, no doubt from wearing a helmet all day.

"I probably look like hell," Shepard commented, "Sure _feel_ like it."

Yates chuckled, "You look fine," she assured, before removing her own helmet, "The real question is how do _I_ look?" she asked.

"Better than me most likely, which isn't saying much."

"Like I said, you look fine," she said, smiling at his modesty, "So what was this dream you were going to tell me about?"

"Well... it's kinda..." Shepard paused, searching for the correct word, "Odd."

"Odder than this?" Yates asked incredulously, gesturing around them.

"Yeah." Shepard answered, "So, after I got blown away by the tank I had this really weird vivid dream, or at least I _think_ it was a dream. There was this dark, smokey, silhouetted man there and I was in some sort of endless white void."

"Pretty freaky," Yates said.

Shepard sighed, "Tell me about it. So anyway, after I got over my initial fear I asked him where I was, he told me I was in this place called the 'Nexus of Realities' or something like that. After that, he said that I would 'pull through' since I had watched the series before and knew what would happen. Then it said something about the multiverse and how it was responsible for bringing me here and then it just... left, and the dream ended."

"Well are you sure it wasn't just that? A dream?" Yates asked.

"Maybe? I don't know. I know it sounds odd but I don't think we should say it was 'just a dream' until were absolutely sure."

"Right," Yates agreed, "were not exactly in a position to dismiss things because they sound strange. Still, I'm curious as to why he didn't mention _me_ or what he meant by 'pull through'."

"Well I guess we'll have plenty of time to figure that out won't we? If it wasn't just a dream, that is."

"Yeah... so what do we do now?"

Shepard shrugged, "Just go with the flow until we figure out how to get back, I guess."

"That's it?" Yates asked.

"What do you mean 'that's it'?" Shepard questioned.

"I don't know, I mean, we know everything that'll happen. Maybe we could prevent some... 'unfortunate' deaths?"

Shepard's face shifted to a bewildered look, "What? You mean the Freelancers? No, I don't think so."

"What? Why not?" Yates questioned.

"Because the last time a certain someone tried to change something, a certain someone _else_ got blown up," Shepard said accusingly, Yates turned her head away in shame.

"Whether that dream was real or not, that shadowy guy made some points. He told me that the 'Red vs Blueniverse' isn't exactly the safest place, and he was right. Between insane AIs, super-powered evil Freelancers and a plethora of other shit, were gonna need to know what happens and _when_ it happens if we want to make it through this alive. So that means not changing anything, because if we do were just going to fuck up the whole story and not know what happens next," Shepard explained.

Yates laughed nervously, "Then you're not gonna like what I did earlier."

"Oh god, what happened?" Shepard said dreadfully.

"I _may_ have knocked Tex out and tried to remove Omega."

Shepard put his face in his hands, "God dammit."

"No, no, it's fine. I couldn't find the stupid AI... port... implant... _thingy_ before the others came anyway, so were good."

"I know that, I heard Caboose say he was O'Malley. But that was a risky thing to do, I mean, are you forgetting that Omega can jump through radios? What if he escaped and infected one of us? Then we'd have a crazed evil AI running around _who knows the future_ to boot."

"Yeah, I wasn't exactly thinking clearly at the time, I was still coming to terms with the whole 'trapped in Red vs Blue' thing, sorry," Yates apologized.

Shepard sighed, "It's fine, I get where you're coming from, really, I do. The Freelancers got fucked over, but they're _fictional characters._ I know it sounds screwed up but our lives hold more weight than theirs do."

"Well, they're clearly not as fictional as we thought they were," Yates let out a sigh, "Listen, I don't want to end our first conversation in an argument, so lets call this meeting off for now. Maybe if you sleep on it you'll change your mind?"

"Maybe, don't get your hopes up though," Shepard extended his hand, "Nice meeting you."

Yates shook it, "Same to you, same time tomorrow?" she asked.

"I'll be here," he said with a polite smile before slipping his helmet back on and leaving.

Yates sighed and took one last look up at the night sky before departing as well.

 _ **/**_

I made my way back through the halls of Blue Base, still thinking about my meeting with Yates. I couldn't believe she would take that kind of risk. I scoffed, _trying to remove O'Malley and risk being infected_ , _and for what? To save a few fictional characters?_ _I mean,_ I _may be immune to Church's possession powers and possibly therefore Omega's, but can the same be said for Yates?_ Probably, probably not. All I could do was hope she didn't try to change anything else, or that I could convince her otherwise.

I just didn't get it. I mean, I like the show and its characters, but how could someone care so much about something that doesn't exist?

I turned the corner and into my room, wanting nothing more than to sleep this entire day off, only to see Caboose sitting on my bunk, still in full armor, looking down and twiddling his thumbs.

I groaned, "Caboose, what are you doing on my bunk?"

"Oh, hi Shepard!" Caboose greeted cheerfully, "I was waiting for you to get back so I could tell you that thing that I've been trying to tell you."

"Ugh, cant it wait till tomorrow?" I whined, "I'm really tired."

"But you said-"

"I _know_ what I said, but right now I'm tired and I just want to-" I was interrupted by Caboose getting up and pulling me into a tight hug.

"Caboose, what are you-"

"I'm sorry," Caboose said simply.

"You're- wait what?"

"I'm sorry," I heard Caboose whimper.

"Sorry? For what?"

"For shooting you with the tank," Caboose sniffled, "I realized I forgot to tell you I was sorry earlier... and... my mom always told me to apologize whenever you do a bad thing. So... I'm sorry."

I stood there, frozen in shock for a moment before I moved my hand up and patted Caboose on the helmet, "I-it's fine Caboose, I forgive you. Um, could you let go please? I'm still recovering from the last hug you gave me."

Caboose quietly unwrapped his arms from me, he stood there for a moment, his head down in shame, "Are you mad at me?" he asked.

"Who? Me? Nah, I'm not mad. I mean, who _hasn't_ been shot by a tank before, am I right?" I joked, making Caboose laugh a little.

We stood in silence before Caboose moved towards the door, "Sorry I kept you awake," he said as he walked out of my room.

With a sigh I moved towards my bed. Laying down and staring at the ceiling, I went over what had just happened in my head a few times before I finally drifted off to sleep.

 _ **/**_

Being in Blood Gultch you can expect a lot of things, blistering heat, evil AI's, super soldier Freelancers, but the last thing Yates expected to hear as she moved across the field towards Red Base was someone singing. Getting over her initial bewilderment, she sneakily moved closer to the base to make out who it was.

Though, it didn't exactly take Sherlock Holmes to figure out who was singing as the lyrics became clearer.

"I just wish that Grif was dead! Put a bullet through his head!" a gruff, southern-accented voice sang.

"Sarge?" Yates asked as she walked up the ramp.

Sarge jumped at Yates' voice and quickly turned to face her, "Oh! Y-Yates... uh... what're you doing here?" Sarge stuttered.

"I couldn't sleep so I took a walk," Yates lied, "what are you-?"

" _Nothing_!" Sarge said quickly.

There was an awkward pause, "Um... I'm just gonna go to bed now," Yates said as she turned to leave, she definitely had a lot more to think about tonight.

"Wait!" Sarge called out, causing Yates to stop and turn to face him.

"Yates... I'm uh... not really good at doing this, but I just wanted to tell ya... sorry."

Yates could hardly believe her ears at first, _Sarge_ was apologizing?

"You're sorry? For what?" Yates asked in confusion.

"For... you know, treating you like you were a..." Sarge paused, struggling to search for the correct word.

"A girl?" Yates guessed.

"I... yeah," Sarge admitted, "you're a fine soldier Private Yates no matter what... er... _parts_ you have. You faced the Blues on your own, defeated that Special Ops fella, and you saved me after I got shot in the noggin. I'm sorry I didn't see that before and that I acted like... like... like a no good dirty Blue."

"It's... fine, sir. I'm not one to hold a grudge. Just try not to get shot again; your blood was very hard to wash off," Yates joked.

Sarge chuckled, "No promises."

"Welp, I'm off to hit the hay... oh by the way, have you ever considered a career in singing?" Yates asked with a smile before descending down the ramp.

"Why yes I have actually- _um_ I mean... what?"

Yates entered Red Base and made her way towards "her room". As she lay down on her bunk she began to think about what Shepard had said earlier. _"B_ _ut they're fictional characters. I know it sounds screwed up, but our lives hold more weight than theirs do."_

That would certainly make things... problematic. Yates had never been very good at debating, so changing Shepard's mind would definitely be a challenge. She just couldn't understand how he could be so cold towards the others, they weren't"just fictional characters", at least not _anymore._ They were _people_ with their own problems and emotions. And now she and him had a chance to make those problems just a little bit easier on them.

Yates sighed as she slipped under the covers of her bunk. She could think about this later, right now she just needed to sleep. Besides, she had plenty of time before Season Two started for her to convince Shepard, three months if she remembered correctly. But if she _couldn't_ convince Shepard in those three months...

She'd just have to change things on her own.

 _ **/**_

I woke up with a jolt to the white void surrounding me.

I sighed, _here we go again_. I picked myself up off the "floor" and looked around for the smokey figure I had seen last time.

"Over here!"

I jumped slightly in surprise and turned around to see the figure sitting at a dark wooden table, a stack of playing cards by its side.

"Poker?" it asked, gesturing to the seat across from it.

"Oh... um... sure," I responded with mild surprise.

I made my way over to the table and sat down. The figure took the cards and shuffled them in his hand with expert precision.

"Good to see you're not dead," the figure said as it flicked five cards to my side of the table.

"Um... so am I?" I replied confusedly.

We played a few games of Texas hold 'em silently for a while before I finally piped up with one of the many questions I had.

"Why am I here?" I asked.

The figure scoffed, "Well clearly it wasn't to have a nice conversation over a friendly game."

"Just tell me, _please._ "

The figure sighed then looked around uneasily, "Like I said before, I'm partially responsible for this. You accidentally bump _one_ tiny timeline and 'boom!' All of a sudden the word 'girafe' has two F's, platypuses are a thing and..." the figure stopped as he took notice of my bewildered stare, "Look to put it short I fucked up and that's why you're here."

"Uh... okay? So when can I leave?" I asked.

"Oh... one or two... years."

" _Years?!_ " I shouted.

"Give or take," the figure shrugged.

I groaned and slammed my head on the table.

"Oh come on now, all you have to do is not die and you seem to be an expert at that, so problem solved!" I let out another groan, "Hey, just be grateful you have a friend who knows what you're going through down there, you could have just as easily ended up on your own."

I sighed and lifted my head off the table, "I guess you're right, speaking of Yates are you going to talk to her too?"

"Erm... no," the figure said quickly.

"What? No? Why not?" I questioned.

"Well... let's just say my superiors don't exactly know that there's more than one person in the Red vs Blueniverse," the figure let out a nervous laugh.

My jaw damn near hit the floor, "What?"

The figure looked at an imaginary watch on his wrist, "Oh hey! Look at the time! Gotta go!"

With that, the cards, table and chairs vanished. I let out a yelp as my rump hit the floor.

The figure quickly faded away, along with the rest of the void, I quickly became overcome with tiredness.

"Hey! Wai-"

 _ **/**_

"-t... wait... wait..." I mumbled tiredly to the darkness before me. I felt a hand on my chest shoving me around.

"Wait? Fuck that! Get up you lazy fuck, we need your help."

"Huh?" I opened my eyes to see Tucker shaking me, he stopped as he noticed me waking up.

"'Bout time, now get up and help me find the stupid Spanish to English dictionary."

"What?" I asked, still slightly dazed.

" _The Spanish to English dictionary!_ " Tucker repeated angrily, "I can't understand a single word of what Church is saying."

"Oh, sure man, just give me a minute..." I said as I sat up.

Tucker sighed, "Some good you rookies turned out to be, and why'd you sleep in your armor? Weirdo," he said as he walked out the doorway of my room.

"Well I didn't exactly _plan_ for this trip, asshole," I grumbled as I got off the bed.

This was going to be a long two years.


	19. Reveille

**Chapter 19: Reveille**

The morning sun was high, it's rays beating down on the entire canyon and the inhabitants of it, including a certain flustered green-armored soldier. Shepard let out an annoyed sigh as he realized the water flask he had brought with him was empty, cursing himself for forgetting to refill it before he left. Tossing the now useless container aside, he looked toward the digital temperature meter on his visor, it read 98°F.

Blood Gultch was unusually cold this morning.

Shepard briefly considered going back to base for a refill, but quickly decided that slowly dehydrating in the Blood Gulch sun was far more preferable than being around his team for another second. Using the word "team" in the loosest of ways, of course. Shepard still hadn't figured out how he hadn't gone insane and just murdered everyone in the canyon at this point. He still couldn't believe he had spent three months in this place.

Three. Months.

And every day it seemed like the Blues did something stupider than the day before...

 _ **/**_

 _Shepard sprinted out his room and down the halls of Blue Base. The sound of an explosion had woken him up that morning and, thinking they were under some kind of attack, Shepard raced to find out what had happened._

 _Barreling around a corner, he came to the scene before him and paused..._

" _What the fuck?!"_

 _A torrent of water was rushing out of the bathroom, Tucker was literally crying with laughter on the floor, Church was frantically calling command on his radio, and Caboose just stood around, clueless as usual._

" _Tucker and Caboose... they flushed a damn grenade down the shitter and it exploded! And it's everywhere, Control!" Church yelled desperately into his radio._

 _Letting out an angry growl, Shepard stomped back down the hall, leaving the Blues to their own devices._

 _ **/**_

The memory stung into his head like a bad hangover, that had to be one of the worst mornings in this god forsaken canyon he had ever had.

Shepard let out another sigh before bringing up the sniper rifle in his hands, he scanned Red Base, still no Reds. _Strange... they're usually up by this hour._ Shepard decided to pack up and go back to base, as annoying as the Blues were, at least they weren't tedious.

 _Besides, it's not like the Reds ever do anything..._

 _ **/**_

The first thing Yates woke up to that morning was a high pitched whine coming from Red Base's announcement system follow by "Reveille" playing loudly.

"Rise and shine, Red Team! Put your armor on, I want you all in the war room in ten minutes! Today's the day!" Sarge's voice spoke over the intercom.

Yates let out a groan and threw her bed sheets off her body before reluctantly sliding out of bed. She took a moment to stretch her slender arms before walking over and picking up the beige armor casually strewn all over the room. Letting out a loud yawn as she slipped her armor on, she looked over to the clock on the wall, it was seven in the morning.

 _Strange,_ Yates thought, _Sarge usually wakes us up at nine, and what did he mean by "today's the day"?_

Yates sighed, she figured she'd know soon enough.

Yates slid her helmet onto her head as she walked out the doorway and proceeded to the war room. Well they _called_ it a war room, but really it was just a room with a bunch of old metal chairs around a large circular table.

Stepping inside, she noticed Sarge was in the room and, unsurprisingly, Simmons was also there, having been the first one to show up.

"Mornin'," Yates greeted as she walked into the room.

"Good morning Private Yates, glad to see you made it!" Sarge replied.

"Made it?" Yates asked confusedly, "I sleep three doors down the hall."

"Yes but there's no telling what sort of dastardly traps the Blues could have laid out between here and there!" Sarge responded.

"Uh... right sir..."

"Speaking of dastardly, Simmons, do you have any idea where Grif is?" Sarge asked.

"Well, he can't be sleeping, otherwise we'd be hearing it..." Simmons pointed out.

"I'm here," a tired voice called out from the doorway.

Grif walked in, or _sauntered_ in at least, before slumping into the chair beside Simmons.

"So if you could give me a reason why you made us wake up early and, more importantly, made us skip breakfast, I'd _love_ to hear it," Grif grumbled.

"Can it ya bitchy blimp, we're still waiting on Donut," Sarge said.

"Good morning everybody!" Donut greeted as he skipped through the doorway.

"Donut! You're late!" Sarge chided.

"Sor _ry_ , but lemon and milk cream face masks don't wash _themselves_ off!" Donut said as he slipped into the seat next to Yates, "You should try one yourself sometime Yates, your skin's been looking a little dry."

Yates felt her face heat up, "What?! My skin isn't-"

"Hey, could we not talk about milk when we've skipped breakfast?" Grif looked up, beginning to daydream, "Man what I wouldn't give for some milk with a stack of pancakes right now."

"You're always in the mood for anything with the word 'cake' in it, fatass." Simmons said.

The room soon devolved into senseless arguing after that, mostly about if pancakes could really be considered a type of cake or not.

The arguing ended abruptly, however, when a certain red sergeant unloaded a shotgun shell into the roof of the room.

"Now that I have your attention," Sarge began as he lowered his shotgun, "Let's get on with the meeting. Donut, lights!" Sarge ordered.

Donut leaned back in his chair and flipped the light switch behind him, shortly after, a projection screen lowered from the roof.

As the screen turned on to reveal a detailed sketch of Blood Gulch from a bird's-eye view, Sarge began speaking, "As you all know, through these past few months we've been slowly lulling the Blues into a false sense of security," Sarge explained as the image changed to a rough sketch of the blues.

"All part of my ingenious plan!" Sarge continued.

"Uh, no we haven't, we've just been standing around doing nothing like we always do," Grif said.

" _Exactly_ , by making it _seem_ as though we've just been lazing around all day, we've actually subconsciously made the Blues believe we're not a threat!"

"That couldn't have been too hard," Yates mumbled.

"And today is finally the day our plan comes to fruition! We're going to strike, and finally wipe the blue devil from the face of this canyon!" The image finally changed to a drawing of Red Team standing triumphantly on top of a burning Blue Base, except Grif, who's bloody corpse was being used as a footstool by Sarge.

"Wow! What a great plan _and_ presentation sir!" Simmons exclaimed.

"Thank you Simmons, now everyone load up, we attack... at dawn..." Sarge said dramatically.

"Uh sir, I think dawn already passed," Yates pointed out.

"Oh... that's a shame, I was actually kind of looking forward to saying 'we attack at dawn'. Alright we'll attack in an hour then, dismissed."

 _ **/**_

Shepard made his way into blue base, passing Tucker and Caboose, who were having some sort of argument. He payed no mind to it, arguments were as common as dirt here.

"Shepard, what the hell are you doing here? I told you to watch Red Base!" Church said as Shepard was about to walk into his room.

 _Case in point._

"Oh Christ, do you honestly think that after _three months_ of the Reds doing jack shit, that _today_ is going to be the day they decide to attack?" Shepard argued.

"It pays to be sure, something's going on with those Reds and I don't like it, now get back up there Shepard, that's an order."

"Yeah? Well I decided I needed a day off, you go do it" Shepard said, tossing the sniper rifle in his hands to Church.

"Um, no, _I_ decide who watches the base, not you," Church replied as he caught the sniper rifle.

"Well if you feel so mad about it why don't you use that rifle and teach me a lesson?" Shepard teased.

"Maybe I will..." Church threatened.

"Great, and when you miss you have to give me five bucks," Shepard challenged.

Church glared at Shepard for a second before letting out an annoyed growl, "God _damn it_ Shepard, why don't you ever just follow my god damn orders?!"

"Not even taking the shot this time Church? Did you learn your lesson from last time?"

Church let out another, louder, growl.

"Well to answer your question, the reason I never follow your orders is because I don't respect you, I don't like you, I think your a terrible leader, and did I mention..."

Church raised the rifle and fired a round towards Shepard's head, which, as predicted, completely missed by a mile.

"...You're a terrible shot," Shepard said, finishing his sentence before walking into his room.

"Also you owe me five bucks," Shepard said, popping his head out of the doorway, then popping it back in.

Church let out an annoyed sigh before turning and walking out of the base, he hoped the fresh air would clear his mind and help him figure out what to do about Shepard.

"I swear Shepard, whether you like it or not, you _are_ going tostartrespecting my authority around here," Church grumbled.

 _ **/**_

 **Sorry for the long wait for such a short chapter, trying to get back into the pace of writing.**


	20. Objection

**Chapter 20: Objection**

Shepard let out an annoyed sigh as the all too familiar sound of the Blues arguing about something interrupted his attempt at getting some sleep. He rose out of his bunk and walked out the room. As Shepard made his way toward the exit to tell the Blues to shut up and let him get some rest, something about the conversation they were having sounded familiar to him.

"I'm telling you, he's crazy. He keeps threatening me and talking in a scary voice," he heard Tucker say.

"No, I didn't," Caboose said defensively.

"Oh, so you're saying you _didn't_ threaten to cut off my head and give it to Church as a birthday present?" Tucker asked.

 _Oh fuck._

Shepard's walk quickly turned into a full blown sprint as he exited the base and saw the Blues gathered around outside, with a purple-armored soldier holding a green scanner approaching Church from behind.

Shepard groaned as he realized Season 2 had just started, which meant the Reds _would_ be attacking today, which also meant he'd get an earful from Church later.

"You know, I think you're taking my words a little out of context," Caboose said.

" _What_? What context?" Tucker asked incredulously.

"Listen, guys, this competition thing has got to stop, okay? I thought we'd established by now-" Church began, before being interrupted by Doc.

"Excuse me," Doc said.

"Hey, pal? One second, okay? I'm in the middle of something here," Church said before continuing his spiel to the other Blues.

Shepard stopped Doc from trying to grab the Blues' attention again, "Listen dude, I can save you some time, these guys aren't gonna listen to a word you have to say until they're done with whatever dumb shit they're arguing about. It's best to just wait it out," Shepard told Doc flatly.

"Man, what jerks. How do you put up with them?" Doc asked.

"Eh, mostly by fantasizing about murdering them," Shepard replied.

Doc slowly turned his head and silently stared at Shepard.

"What? Is that unhealthy?" Shepard asked.

"Tell you what, after I'm done examining the soldiers here, I'll come back and we can have a one-on-one therapy session.," Doc said.

Shepard sighed, "Great."

Church turned to face Doc, "Alright, now that that's out of the way, who the hell are you and what the fuck do you want?" Church asked Doc.

"Told you," Shepard mumbled to Doc.

Caboose turned to face Tucker, "Don't ever be alone," he said in a deep, menacing tone.

"He's doing that thing again," Tucker said.

"I got it," Shepard said as he walked toward Caboose.

Shepard pulled out a package of cookies and offered one to Caboose, who immediately turned away from Tucker and cheerily took the cookie from his hand.

"That should calm him down for a while," Shepard said, putting the package away.

"What the? Where the hell did you get those?" Tucker asked.

"Special delivery, they're very effective at calming him down," Shepard replied.

"Could I have one?" Tucker asked.

"Sure, but one less cookie means one unappeasable Caboose down the line," Shepard pointed out.

"Oh, on second thought I think I'll pass then," Tucker said.

"Smart," Shepard said before turning his attention back to the conversation Doc and Church were having.

"No I am not Private Tucker. My name is Church, _this_ is Private Tucker," Church said, jabbing a thumb in Tucker's direction.

"Yo," Tucker greeted.

"And the green headache over there is Shepard," Church said, gesturing his head towards the green soldier.

"Charmed, I'm sure," Shepard said sarcastically.

"And our friend over there in regulation blue, that's Caboose. Or O'Malley, or whatever the hell he's callin' himself."

"Why did you introduce me last?" Caboose asked somewhat sadly.

"Because he hates you," Tucker said.

Caboose began to slowly turn towards Tucker before Shepard distracted him with another cookie. Shepard shot a glare at Tucker, who simply shrugged.

"I received your call for a medic," Doc said.

"Medic? That was like three months ago," Caboose said.

"Yeah, what'd you do? Crawl all the way here?" Tucker asked.

"Maybe he took a right at Albuquerque," Shepard joked.

"Look, I came as quickly as I could, alright? Where's the patient?" Doc asked.

"Well, she's about fifty yards behind you and six feet straight down," Church said, pointing to the two graves behind Doc.

"Yeah, you _just_ missed her pal, oh well, maybe next time," Shepard said sarcastically.

"Oh, I'm sorry about your loss," Doc said.

"What? Oh, yeah. Yeah thanks man, it was tough but, well, what're you gonna do..." Church said unemotionally.

"We didn't like her very much," Caboose said before whispering, "She was mean to other people," as if it was any secret Tex wasn't the friendliest person.

"Yeah, that's putting it kindly," I said.

"Who's in the other grave?" Doc asked.

"That's uh, that's me. I'm in that grave," Church responded somewhat apprehensively.

"Uh huh... of course," Doc said before turning his head away and mumbling, "Note to self, give _everyone_ a one-on-one therapy session."

"See, uh, he got killed by this uh, _crazy_ runaway tank," Caboose started.

"Or by the idiot driving it," Tucker said.

"God damn it Tucker, if he gets mad again I'm not gonna save you," Shepard chided.

"Oh yeah, and then he became, uh, this really mean ghost, and uh, took over a..." Caboose paused.

"It's okay Caboose, it's not a bad word," Shepard said reassuringly.

"Well, uh, he took over a..." Caboose's voice dropped into a whisper, "a _Mexican-_ "

Shepard let out a sigh.

Caboose continued, "-Robot's body, uh... oh! And then we had to uh, oh yeah that's right, spray paint him, ah, to make him blue, and now he is alive again, and he is a bionic man... who... is blue..."

"Well on the upside I think that's the most coherent story Caboose has told so far, so... good job, I guess," Shepard said, patting Caboose on the back.

"Right, and it took us six weeks to get his Spanish setting turned off," Tucker said.

"Yeah, no thanks to Shepard over here," Church said as he angrily faced the green soldier in question.

"What? Oh come _on_ , I helped you guys look for the Spanish-to-English dictionary remember?" Shepard said.

 _ **/**_

 _The Blues had searched almost the entirety of the base for that damned book, with Church yelling at them in Spanish all the while. Eventually, their search had lead them to the living area of the base._

" _I'll see if its in this bookcase, you two look under the couch," Tucker ordered his two teammates as he began his search._

 _Shepard sighed, "Fine."_

 _Shepard bent down and started scanning the dark and narrow area underneath the couch._

" _Damn it, I can't see a thing," Shepard complained before digging his fingers under the couch, "Here Caboose, help me lift this up."_

" _Okay!" Caboose said before reaching down and easily lifting the couch over his head with one arm._

 _Shepard and Tucker momentarily stopped their search to stare in awe at Caboose's show of strength._

" _Do you see it down there?" Caboose asked without a hint of strain in his voice._

" _Um... n-no," Shepard stammered._

 _ **/**_

Church growled, "I meant what you told us _after_ I got the Spanish turned off."

"Oh." Shepard smirked, "Right."

 _ **/**_

" _Did that work?" Tucker asked._

" _I don't... know," Church faltered before letting out a sigh of relief, "Thank Christ it's finally off, do you have any idea how annoying it is to talk without anyone being able to understand you?"_

" _Is it as annoying as being_ able _to understand you?" Shepard sneered._

" _Oh haha," Church laughed sarcastically, "You know, if you put as much effort into being a soldier as you do making your wise cracks we would've won the war already."_

 _Shepard shrugged, "Well, as my grandma always said, 'El que se hace un asno no debe sentirse mal si los hombres lo montan.'"_

 _Tucker and Caboose gave Shepard a confused look, Church however, had already realized what was going on, and he was not happy._

" _Oh yeah, is it a bad time to mention I'm a quarter Mexican?"_

 _ **/**_

"To be fair, you never _asked_ if I knew how to speak Spanish," Shepard pointed out.

"If I _had_ would you have told me the truth?" Church asked.

Shepard thought for a moment, "Probably not, no."

"Asshole," Church growled.

"Wait, so no one here is hurt?" Doc asked.

"No, we're fine. In fact, I feel better than ever. See now whenever these three idiots really start to bug me, I can always just turn my ears off. Couldn't do that before," Church said.

"Why is it always the bad people who get good things?" Shepard asked.

"Wait, you said they were shorting out," Caboose said.

"I'm sorry, what was that Caboose? I can't hear you!" Church yelled.

"Well then let me just check you three out, and I'll be on my way," Doc said.

"Whoooa... check us out? Is this gonna be one of those things where I have to turn my head and cough?" Tucker asked.

Doc held up his medical scanner in the direction of the Blues, "No, I'm just gonna check your vitals."

"I bet I have better vitals than you!" Caboose told Tucker. "What's a vital?" he asked Church.

Shepard sighed and wondered if it was possible to turn himself into a robot.

"On your way? I don't think so, bud. Aren't you here to join our squad?" Church asked.

"No, I'm just here to help out with Tex, and then assist in the canyon as needed," Doc said.

"First of all, great job on the Tex thing. Mission accomplished. Secondly, the way that we need you to assist, is to help us kill all the Reds," Church said.

"Well, even if my orders didn't prohibit me from doing that, I still wouldn't. I joined the army as a conscientious objector," Doc said.

"A conscie- who?" Tucker asked.

"I'm a pacifist," Doc clarified.

"You're a thing that babies suck on?" Caboose asked.

"No, dude, that's a pedophile," Tucker said.

Shepard cringed, "Jesus Christ, dude."

"What?" Tucker asked.

"Tucker, I think he means a _pacifier_ ," Church said.

"Oh yeah, right. Man, I was _totally_ thinking about something else," Tucker said.

"That's real classy, Tucker," Church said.

"Well, everyone here checks out. I'll come back and check on you before I leave the canyon. Can you tell me which way to the Red Base?" Doc said.

"I have a feeling you wont need to walk very far to see them," Shepard mumbled out of earshot.

"Why? You said you weren't gonna fight 'em," Tucker said.

"I'm not. Resources are low so I'm on loan to both armies to help whichever side needs me at the time," Doc said.

"Man, that is so freakin' lame," Church complained.

"I'm just gonna go to Red Base and see if they need any help," Doc said.

"Well, if you're gonna go up to Red Base, I'd recommend putting away that little medical thingy of yours. They see you walking up carrying that thing, they're gonna shoot it right out of your hand," Church said.

Shepard sighed, "Three, two, one."

Doc's medical scanner suddenly flew out of his hands as it was shot by a sniper bullet.

"Yeah, just like that," Church said.

Another bullet hit the side of the base, barely missing Church and Doc.

"Scatter!" Church ordered.

For once, Shepard had no problem following orders from Church.


End file.
